Return of the Tyrant

Session 42: Lord Fancypants and His Fight to Inevitable Death
You must whip it. Whip it good.

As our adventurers make their way to the abandoned trollslayers camp, the weather takes strange turns. One day it’s a winter storm, the next it’s thunder and lightning. Finally we arrive at the camp. From a watchtower, several drow aim crossbows at us. Though most of the drow soldiers hanging around are VERY happy to see Nabila. There are a few humans in the camp, and some dwarves, but most of the population is made up of drow.

A familiar voice greets them — it’s Spud! He’s so totally alive, though he hasn’t aged well cos he’s lost a lot of hair and he’s kinda pudgy. Nabila makes sure not to mention her homemade, from scratch biscuits (with plague) around him. Sindra hugs Spud but his eyes fall on the alluring Karishma, and he follows her around everywhere.

Sindra wants to go to the drow headquarters to see her brother. The guard, named Alethas Everhafin, will not let her him. He calls Sindra a whore and a renegade and smarts off that on the surface they are equals and he won’t take any lip from her. She gets angry and leaves.

At this point the party splits up. Karishma is off with Spud (unwillingly) learning about the potato trick that gave him his name. Ser Bolton goes to the watering hole and a commoner asks him questions and asks for help in sentencing crimes. Ser Bolton the justicar loves this and happily assists. Sindra and Nabila go to the main command center to find Oleander and Uhlsolg Everhafin.

On the way to the tent, a plaguegiver in front of a blackboard is teaching children about Aegecia. Nabila is happier’n a pig in slop at this scene. Then THE DM! makes Sindra smile at the children and they all run off in fear.

In the command tent we see Oleander wearing his wight armor and a bad ass looking cloak. He’s grown a beard. Instead of Nabila running up to him and kissing him, she’s hostile to him. He reprimands her about the gangbang with 50 drow soldiers. Vincente stands up for her, and Nabila, in turn, stands up for Vincente.

During the heated conversation, Uhlsolg butts in and asks about the Dark Fate. We gladly hand it over. Oleander tells Nabila that he killed King Turin by “pulling a Nabila” by cutting off the King’s head. (At this point there are so many homages to Nabila that Oleander’s practically telling her he’s in looooooove with her. And yes, it is a female who writes these adventure logs, so get over it.) He says he gave part of Volkstadt and the entire Moonwood to Rualoth Everhafin where she will rule as queen. Nabila is not keen on this and she berates Oleander. Oleander places his face in his hands, and Uhlsolg gets out of there before the lovers’ quarrel can escalate further.

Sindra takes over the conversation and asks Oleander a lot of questions. 1.) About the Obelisk — it’s the mage tower in the north. Clerical magic has found a way to work, despite the antimagic zone Sindra surged. He says Brother Jalthor? is up there growing purple lotus and doing all sorts of hedonistic things. 2.) As for the Oracle, Oleander is hesitant to tell Nabila about her. A spirit of Aegecia has taken over the body of a female. She rarely speaks but Oleander takes great counsel from her. 3.) Oleander found Spud in Schwarzwald — said he’s a good fighter but he’s dumb as a box of rocks. 4.) The Shadow Conjunction was Professor Elias’ idea, somehow he knew what Adrissant was going to do and tried to prepare for it before he was murdered at Harrowstone Prison. 5.) His son, Corben Elias, is at the camp, and Tres is following him around everywhere. Sindra is NOT pleased with this. Oleander had to use charm magic on Tres to get her to leave him alone.

We tell Oleander about Renchurch. He says we are going in opposite directions. They are headed to Amaranth to fight a death knight known as Ser Nero, who used to be in Daven Sulluven’s goody-goody adventure party. Before we leave the tent, Oleander reminds Nabila that they have a date. They’re going to kill Valdis, who is hiding in a pocket plane right under the gods’ nose between Tartarus and Pandemonium.

Next we go to see the Oracle. She says she was expecting us, she’s got her crystal balls and tarot cards, telephone, fake Caribbean accent, and probably some newt eyes stored around somewhere. She is dressed in robes and has her face covered. She gives us gifts. She says servants of Dagonor have stalked us through the shadows. The Hounds of Tindalos target us for actions we have yet to commit.

Karishma (who left Spud at the watering hole) joins us and asks about her father. His name is Gunthur Nerium. He was a plaguegiver. We’re all one big happy plaguegiving family here! Before we leave, the Oracle grabs Nabila by the arm and whispers something to her.

After that incense-filled ordeal ends, we go to the watering hole. A blond haired man in fancy silks want to join up with the Tattered Cloaks. He hands Nabila a patch full of purple lotus leaves, which might have been a symbol of Golgoroth buuuuut no one paid attention to it. His name is Lord Easton Lashvale of Verena. Nabila asks him what he can do, so he pulls out a whip, slaps some random bar patron up the head, and totally kills the guy. Nabila says he’s in. He says he will be bringing his manservant Porter with him. Good, two new party members!

Meanwhile, Sindra has been telling everyone that it’s her birthday. She expects to have a small party later. Jeb gives her a gift of beautifully crafted wooden tarot cards. So they have a conversation and drinking contest. Lord Lashvale (a servant of Golgoroth, hello!) joins them. Jeb botches his CON check and falls over unconscious after drinking drow wine. Sindra and Lashvale tie. Then Sindra fails her CON check. Lashvale wins. Nabila tells him to dance on the table since Sindra is passed out. Lashville tells Nabila he won’t take such talk from her, and then he leaves, with Porter behind him.

This is really not a good thing. Ser Bolton is determined to see justice done for the poor commoner who got whipped and killed. Nabila and Ser Bolton go outside to fight Lord Lashvale and Porter. Naturally our team is victorious, but as at cost: we must GTFO of the trollslayer camp before we have a drow army on our hands. Sindra didn’t get to have her party, we didn’t get to go shopping for magic items, and Nabila leaves Oleander a note at HQ saying “Sorry.” No new party members join us, other than Spud.

As we run for our lives, we head toward Renchurch. We encounter a gem-encrusted obsidian arch. Underneath the arch, the ground is scorched, and the trees nearest the arch are gnarly. Ravens sit atop the arch. It’s radiating magic and somehow used for teleportation, though none of us are willing to try it out. So we sidestep and keep going.

Thick fog. A fire. Four people sitting around the fire. They are the knight protectors of Haggar at Renchurch. They have no idea what year it is, they don’t trust us, Sindra tries to get a gypsy to fortune tell with her tarot cards - CHILD OF THE PARADOX!- and stuff happens. Eventually they let us pass.

For some reason, Sindra wild surges between leaving the Knights and going deeper into the mountains. Her skin turns to steel for 1d6 rounds.

We see a village on the horizon. As we approach we see that the buildings have been burned. Large barrows have been excavated or have collapsed. Smoke rises from charred remnants of a wagon. Karishma sees gypsies and runs to help them. They are illusions. Four ogres, three giants, and one ugly hag covered in boils and warts. They attack, and we are victorious.

Yaay.

Loots:

scroll of restoration
scroll of resurrection
wyvern whip +2, save vs. poison or take additional 5 pts. damage
shortsword +2
cloak of protection +2
ring of regeneration, 1 HP per round
boots of avoidance, +5 AC vs. missiles
Clan Lashvale chainmail armor +2, 25% resistance to magical damage, 100% resistance to charm magic (must be used by a member of the Lashvale family ONLY)
30pp 60gp
6 orange carnelions — 50gp each
2 light pink rhodocrosite — 10gp each

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Session 41: "How do you know she's a witch?"
"She turned me into a newt! ...I got better."

We find our adventurers in the abbey’s la-bore-a-tor-y facing more mercenaries and Ms. Hetna Dublisse herself, who, for some reason, is not a vampire but a witch. A free witch, baby, with a stereotypical witches’ broom and probably a hairy wart or two. Nabila takes her head, and then we loot.

In the laboratory we find a cauldron full of bubbling dark reddish liquid: half completed Blood Brew Elixir. We can’t find a recipe. Then we head into a library where we are attacked with invisible stalkers and we find some magic books. First is the Blood Magic Libram and the second is the Dublisse Sisters’ Grimoire, which includes a recipe for BBE, a recipe for Elixir of Youth, and some scrolls of PoE. After much debating about whether or not we should learn the formula for BBE, we hear some nasty growling which tells us we probably shouldn’t cross a 3,000 year old vampire.

Upon returning to Schloss Ustlav, we meet Luvick for a nice chat and exchange. He has his BBE recipe, and we now have the Dark Fate. Luvick tells us where to go to find the Gallowspire and Adivion Adrissant (hopefully): Renchurch in the western Iron Reaches.

The Dark Fate is a rod that acts like a Rod of Lordly Might. It’s an intelligent weapon, neutral evil, and makes dark and lightblindness not a problem, which is great for vampires and drow, hence why the drow wanted it. It also makes any sort of elf who gets smacked by the +2 mace make a saving throw vs. death. Yeah, that’s why the drow REALLY wanted it.

Some gypsies ask us about Ramsey and Ruxandra. Nabila dryly tells them that R&R were two young people in love and escaped during the night. Good thinking, Nabs. Beats the truth and getting our butts kicked by some angry gyppos.

Before we leave the gypsy camp, Nabila decides to do some scrying. Something frightening happens instead — Hounds of Tindalos appear. The hounds are after both Nabila and Karishma. Karishma does the wise thing and rope tricks into her own little plane to GTFO. Sindra has a wild surge and accidentally turns Ser Bolton’s fancy shield into a flower basket.

After we all manage to survive the hound attack, Sindra and Nabila get into a girl fight, with Sindra eventually winning and slaps a stoneskin off Nabila. Then she casually walks away.

Loot:

dagger +1
723gp
two potions of extra healing
ring of protection +3
belt of incredible DEX +3
witching gown
wand of hold undead 5 charges
broom of flying
five longswords +1
39 crossbow bolts +1
coral, 100gp
Blood Magic Libram (allows reader free Occultism proficiency)
Dublisse Sisters’ Grimoire
recipe for Elixir of Youth
four scrolls of protection from evil

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Session 40: For Whom the Bell Splats
ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL!

Our adventurers continue poking around the Abbey of Sante Wotsername. Dining hall. Kitchen. Pantry. Store room with large casks of wine. A carriage house. Important things happen.

Nabila digs through horse poop looking for diseases. And finds none.

Sindra and Jeb fuck in a carriage in front of everyone. (Apparently it was just a glorified wagon and not a carriage with doors.)

Ser Bolton freaks out at how undisciplined we are and wonders how we ever made it as far as we have.

Karishma and Ruxandra attempt to cut the rope on the bell in the belltower so no one can ring the bell and alert the baddies we’re in the abbey. Except the bell was a trap. Poor Ruxandra is killed. Ramsey is sad because Ruxandra would do ANYTHING in bed.

Nabila reincarnates Ruxandra into a male halfling lawful good cleric of Haggar. We call him Ruxpin.

During a battle with mercenaries and conjured shadow thingies, Ruxpin steals the bag of holding from Nabila, whips out the vorpal sword, and wobbily tries to kill Nabila with it. Nabila gives him the death stare, and he snuffs it. Nabila crams his head in her bag, and Ser Bolton takes the thief’s hands. (His halfling peen is the size of a Vienna Sausage.)

We meet Radvir Giovanni while we are trying to rest in the carriage house. He drinks the Bloodbrew Elixir, like vampire heroin and fights us. Vincente falls victim to Radvir’s charm and attacks Ramsey with the Godrot. Ramsey melts into a puddle of goo. Radvir mists himself away and we give chase.

At this point Nabila is beyond pissed that her potential butler died, so when we find Radvir’s coffin, she stakes his ass with the butt end of a torch covered in holy water. We pull out his heart as proof that the deed has been done, and Nabila takes his head. Then she and Sindra have a vampire anatomy lesson by dissecting Radvir’s corpse to see what it looks like inside. At some point Vincente goes upstairs to examine Ramsey’s remains and does creepy, perverted things with it. In the morning there is no goo left.

More exploring. We come across a large chamber decorated with candles and a large pentagram in the floor. A woman sits on a throne. She radiates evil. She also has fangs. She is Aisa Dublesse. She talks a load of crap, and we dispose of her. LOOT LOOT LOOT.

Whilst identifying Aisa’s loot, Sindra wild surges. Everyone in the party is suddenly dressed in Starfleet Officer uniforms. Sindra wears the captain’s yellow and gains a +1 to her CHA.

Sindra – Kirk
Nabila – Nurse Chappel
Ser Bolton – Chekhov
Karishma – Uhura
Jeb – Scotty
Ally – Sulu
Vincente – Evil Spock

Death Counter:
Ramsey: 1
Ruxandra/Ruxpin: 2

Loot:
2 longswords +1
2 light crossbows
18 crossbow bolts +1
one black vampire heart
208gp
9 wooden stakes
1 potion of ESP
1 potion of human control
7 doses of bloodbrew elixir
ring of protection +4
quarterstaff +3
wand of dispel magic, 3 charges
1 dose of powder of the black veil
715gp

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Session 39: Tying Up Loose Ends
Things happen.

Nabila scrys. Ends up catatonic. She refuses to say anything to anyone after the shock wears off, even her BFF Sindra. All Nabila says is that we must go to Schloss Ustlav and find Ohda. Of course he’s not dead. Why would anyone we’ve killed stay dead?

We travel to Schloss Ustlav. The weather was snowy at one point but it has since changed to rain and thunderstorms. We come to a stone bridge. An armored figure riding atop a dark, impossibly black horse that snorts fire and has fiery hooves. The figure dismounts from the horse and we find out it’s a woman who looks strangely like Daven Sulluven’s sister. She unsheathes a black sword with glowing red runes that speaks. We shall not pass, the sword tells us.

Well, horse and rider and sword are in the way, so we get rid of them. During the fight a familiar figure approaches and joins in. Why, it’s Ser Bolton of Oxburgh and his trusty steed Norris! Ser Bolton explains to us that he’s been after Father D-bag for quite some time. The Church of Flayne has been corrupted and its followers brainwashed. Suddenly the Church has a whole lot of money and magical artifacts. A drow matron and a slave ring seem to be involved. Ser Bolton tried to warn the Church in Oxburgh, but the corrupted Flayne-ites arrived first and subsequently told fibs and got Ser B kicked out. Vincente examines Ser B’s shield and the emblem is for an obscure aspect of Haggar known as the Flame of Justice, who is a more militant version of Haggar. Ser Bolton joins us.

Upon looting Davinia’s corpse, Armando makes grabby hands at a Girdle of Cloud Giant Strength. But a botched Bardic Lore roll means it’s actually a Girdle of Masculinity/Femininity, and Armando puts it on and becomes Alejandra. This arouses the Mountain Man and makes Sindra jealous because now she has competition for Jeb’s affections.

We continue to Schloss Ustlav. The castle has been ruined. We discover a gypsy camp on the castle grounds. The castle is “safe from the dead who walk the night.” Some women shrink away from the party and cross themselves. A man in dark wrappings of a ninja warrior throws a dagger to the ground. Oh, boy. It’s Ohda. He withdraws a ninjato and threatens us. A caravan door opens and a deathly pale child appears: it’s Eliza from Grunberg. She made Ohda her pet, a ghoul with his tongue cut out because he talked too much. Eliza says they have the Dark Fate, but they — the vampires — need it, too. She tells us that we can speak to the elder in the castle, Luvick Siervage. Luvick helped defeat Tar-Baphon and his army 600 years ago. He could prove to be a valuable ally.

During the night, Ramsey decides to spend all the gold that Nabila gifted him on booze and whores. The next morning he has a young girl hanging all over him. She says he will be a wonderful husband. He doesn’t remember getting married, he doesn’t remember her name even, but to keep the peace with the gypsies, Nabila welcomes her into the family. Her name is Ruxandra, and she has thiefly skills.

In the basement of Schloss Ustlav, we visit Luvick Siervage. He is a handsome gentleman in his late 40s. He tells us the Dark Fate would allow the vampires to daywalk. He explains that the Kindred (all the vampires) are in trouble. Adivion Adrissant is slaying all the vampires and using up living beings to fuel his necroforge and expand his undead army. Adrissant is basically destroying the vampires’ food supply. Two witches known as Aisa and Hetna Dublesse are working for Adrissant by creating what’s known as the Bloodbrew Elixir, a toxic, dangerous blood-based drug that controls vampires and removes their free will. Adrissant lured a vampire called Radvir Giovanni into working for him as a vampire assassin. Radvir was formerly a friend of Luvick’s. If we destroy Radvir, Aisa and Hetna, and destroy the Bloodbrew Elixir, then Luvick will give us the Dark Fate and show us the way to Adrissant’s HQ, the Gallowspire. He also adds that once the Elixir is gone, he will bless any of us with vampirism. Vincente’s eyes bug out.

Our next step is to go to the Abbey of Sante Lymirin where the baddies are holed up. Lymirin used to be a divine servant of Delora. The clergy just up and abandoned the abbey, and later it was purchased and converted into a winery and warehouse. We poke our way around outside, discover a grape vineyard that has been recently harvested, and make our way inside to hunt some vampires.

Loot:
Gideon the talking sword
2 potions extra healing
Girdle of M/F
platemail +2
nymph-hair crossbow +1
cloak of protection +1
large shield +1, +4 vs. missiles, 20% chance to negate magic missiles
ring of feather falling
ring of free action
122gp 55sp
28 +1 crossbow bolts
3 longswords +1
70gp 34sp 90cp

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Session 38: The Darkest Fate
The Everhafins put the FUN in Dysfunction!

Adventure log: Stardate Blackmoon 4436. These are the adventures of the Company of the Tattered Cloak. It’s continuing mission to explore strange new lands, to seek out new loot and new ways of killing people. To boldly go where…no one really wants to go.

Big Betty is a liability. So Granick goes down into the pit and fights her. Kills her. Bashes her skull open on the ground, and her brains spill out on the floor. Then he takes out his recently restored schlong and pisses on her corpse. Done and over with.

We escape Harrowstone Prison, and discover that Isembard has been destroyed. The citadel is damaged. Ravenhill is destroyed. The sky is bright orange. Sindra smells the Underdark and there are 50 drow soldiers with bows trained on us. Sindra thinks they’re after her, but they aren’t.

They escort us to the Jasper Otter, one of the only buildings left standing in Ravenhill. Sindra’s brother Uhlsolg Everhafin is there. He informs Sindra of the family business. Their sister Rualoth is now the Matron Mother of the House. But their mother Nhilonia still lives. She is in exile, building up a cult of followers. Rualoth appears weak, and some of the houses might defect to their mother’s side if she returns to Khazid-Hirn from exile.

Our task is to find an artifact called Dark Fate, a powerful, intelligent wand. It has been used before to cause civil war and strife among the drow. There is a prophecy and a comet that talks about the destruction Dark Fate can cause. A priestess named Alantria used it, but the power consumed her. Her house was driven out of the Underdark. Nhilonia wants the wand in order to return to Khazid-Hirn and defeat Rualoth. Rualoth wants the wand to keep in her vault so no one else can have it or cause another civil war. Uhlsolg confirms that Nhilonia has joined forces with Father Isembard.

Uhlsolg has been in contact with Oleander and the Shadow Conjunction. Finding Dark Fate is not a request but a demand. Oleander already said we would do it. Meanwhile Oleander is in the Moonwood trying to assassinate King Turin. Once Turin is dead and Dark Fate is safely in Rualoth’s vault, then the drow will form an army led by Sindra’s eldest brother Sharinid, a military commander.

The dwarves are out of the picture, having blown their mountain down around them to keep out Adrissant’s undead army. The army traveled to Schwarzwald. Oleander knew the walls wouldn’t last, so he sent out a plague (in honor of Nabila, so sweet!) which killed a large portion of the citizens so Adrissant couldn’t harvest live sacrifices for his army. Amaranth is under seige, the humans are hostages, and the ports are closed. According to a mysterious oracle (a hooded female who speaks in whispers) when the stars align, Adrissant will wheel out his Necroforge and sacrifice all the living. When the Elder Gods are raised, shit befalls the world.

After some arguing with Uhlsolg, Nabila agrees to body hop for him and takes on a new drow body. Then she has a gangbang with 50 drow men. Tyranny and Granick do it on a table. Armando thinks he scored with Karishma, but both of them were pretty drunk and the details are fuzzy. Sindra disappears with Jeb. Vincente and Uhlsolg exchange whispers. And Ramsey sits on the bar drinking wine, watching it all.

Uhlsolg supplies us with “horses” and sends us to Evergloom, an underground grotto known to be the last resting place of Priestess Alantria and her house. On the way there an undead army patrol finds us, and we fight. And loot stuff. YESSSS!

We arrive in the forest. We see pine trees, lots of them, and a tent. A dusting of snow on the ground. We hear voices. Nabila sneaks up but can’t understand their language. Sindra tries to hide in shadows and sneak up. Unfortunately, the DM rolled a natural 100, so Sindra gets caught with a knife to her throat and out pop some drow and svirneblin. Sindra recognizes the commander of the group as her baby brother Dipton. Dipton doesn’t recognize her, what with the green hair and crazy eyes and all.

They have a long discussion about things. Dipton supports Nhilonia. Dipton also was very intimate with their sister Mayraena before Sindra killed her at the fortress in Hag’s Breath. Ew. Nhilonia is going crazy, and she’s going to lose. She has never quite recovered from baby sister Vlonisstra’s death so many years ago that forced Sindra to escape the Underdark. Sindra tries diplomacy and warns Dipton of Adivion Adrissant’s army, about all the horrors that are going to take place, and how the drow need to stop fighting and come together. Dipton and his men leave, no blood shed.

DIPLOMACY, BITCHES.

We go down the big hole into the underground grotto. We listen for noises and take a path south where we converge on five monstrous driders. One of the driders, who happened to be a wizard from Dipton’s crew, cast a spell: Big Betty appeared as a Phantasmal Killer to torment Granick. The illusion causes Granick to have a heart attack, and he dies of fright. Tyranny, through the biological imperative of Granick’s schlong, instantly disappears, having been impregnated like the first time he shagged her.

We loot Granick’s body, not sure what to do with it just yet, and then continue through the grotto until we find Alantria’s grave and the resting place of Dark Fate. Her sarcophagus lid is ajar, which is never a good sign in the adventuring world. Sindra levitates the lid and the coffin is empty except for a piece of parchment.

Parchment

Death counter:
Granick: 1

Crimes:
gangbang x 50

Loot:

24 x lightning crossbow bolts
necromancer’s scroll
3 x dagger + 1
2 x potions extra healing
type N poison (necromancer cyanide)
30gp
5 x onyx stones (50gp each)
8 x drow shortswords + 1
3 x suits of drow chainmail + 1
3 x longbows
20 x arrows + 1
wand of cure critical wounds (4 charges)
battleaxe + 2
Dirthspar prayer beads
drider spellbook
potion of jump
potion of invisibility
2 x vials holy water
ring of protection + 1
ring of danger sense (25% to find traps)
drider spellbook
3 x handaxes + 1
14 x acid arrows (+ 1 to hit, 1d3 acid damage)

Granick’s equipment

Sindra’s siblings
Rualoth
Sharinid
Uhlsolg
Sindra
Mayraena (deceased)
Vlonisstra (deceased)
Dipton

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Session 36 and 37: Big Betty's Big Adventure
Saving throws against spells, please.

We find our adventurers in dire need of an adventure log update because your faithful narrator has been too lazy and let them pile up.

Session 36 was mostly the party fumbling around Kali’s temple trying to figure out what are illusions and what are real spikes. We try to hump mosaic columns, eat mosaic bananas, smell mosaic flowers, and generally give the DM a hard time. We fought a giant illusory tapestry (that looks like Sheeva from Mortal Kombat 3).

We discovered a warm golden disc, a symbol of Savitri, the forgotten god of light and healing. Vincente said that the healers of Jhannis had a similar artifact, and it bathed whoever stepped on it in a healing light. Armando is resurrected on the disc, back as good as new.

We fought more dark sisters and three priestesses of the temple, one being Arijani’s human mother. Ramsey snuffed it, so we threw him on the resurrection machine.

Moving ahead:

The battle with Arajani ended as Ramsey scored the killing blow with Ravana’s Bane. Mist chokes us and then it turns red. A twelve foot tall beast with crimson skin, curved horns, wings, claws, and fangs stands before us. He is Belial,a tanar’ri, the Archduke of the Nine Hells. He’s been watching us from afar, says we have power. He wants something. He wants Granick, our friendly neighborhood half orc barbarian killing machine. He wants Granick to lead his army for all eternity in exchange for getting us out of the mists. Granick is cool with this. Belial pulls out a contract made of flesh and Granick signs the contract in his own blood.

However, Granick does not bother to READ the contract. As an additional provision to the arrangement, a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy winged female appears. A succubus named Tyranny. Granick has to impregnate her and they will have a powerful tiefling child that will wreak havoc and cause chaos by the time he’s in training pants. Since his wang grew back in the resurrection machine and she’s a lot prettier than Betty, he’s willing to give it a try.

We end up in the Hall of the Gods. Zargos is mad because we used his trident of fish command to spike open a door. Nhezin is proud of Granick for taking the demon’s offer and grants him a bonus power. We ask questions. Is Brother Jalthor alive? Golgoroth says yes, that he’s part of the Shadow Conjunction. No one knows where Daven is, but Gideon the Intelligent Sword is still with him. Spud is alive too, whereabouts unknown. Then we leave before the gods can start arguing again.

We are returned to our cells in Harrowstone Prison. Outside it’s storming. Tyranny arrives, goes down on Granick, and then pulls the cell keys out of her ample bosom. We escape but have to find our henchpeople. Everyone but Betty and Vincente are in cells; Betty is in the holding cell in the floor, sobbing.

We fight some guards with bare knuckle brawling and spells. Sindra wild surges, throwing everyone within 80 feet of her six months into the future. Because Vincente was in the torture room, he wasn’t propelled forward, so we have to rescue him.

Vincente spent a year being tortured by Father D-bag and his Flayne zealots. They abandoned him on a spiked table and left him to die. Aegecia was with Vincente this entire time and blessed him, giving him the full powers of a plaguegiver. He knew Nabila would rescue him. He enjoyed the pain. Now he wants Father Isembard to pay.

What is really most important out of these two sessions is how Big Betty got herself in a lot of trouble. Let’s recount those moments, shall we?

Remember from Session 35 when Big Betty went to “take a dookie” and irritated a sandworm that tried to kill us? That’s only the beginning.

1.) In the room decorated to look like the city of Bahru with the moon-shaped hemisphere, Betty climbs the walls and is struck by lightning.

2.) Back in the previous room with eight statues, Betty tries to take a dagger out of the old man’s hand. The statue comes to life long enough to scream bloody murder at her. She shits her pants.

3.) Another room is full of rocks and a gentle breeze blows. The walls are cracked and fizzured. A fog rolls in, and the wind picks up. Big Betty tries to open the heavy door and a gust of wind blows her back into a wall of very real spikes.

4.) We find a giant golden egg resting on a marble pedestal. Solid gold. 15 feet thick, 25 feet long. Betty’s hungry and wants an omelette.

5.) After Nabila’s taunting, Betty gives herself a tattoo that matches Granick’s because in orc culture, people with matching tattoos are married.

6.) We discover a very pleasant room filled with a beautiful pool of crystal-clear water. Because Betty has a poopy in her panties, she decides the best thing to do is cannonball in the welcoming water to wash herself off. Except it’s a temple of illusions and the pool is filled WITH ACID! Betty botches her DEX check and falls back in the pool and dies. Sindra managed to cast Levitate on her at the last second and was able to lift Betty’s icky remains out of the pool and deposit her on the resurrection machine.

7.) We become trapped in a room that leaks green and oily red liquid. Vincente tells us it’s bad news. To save us from nasty acid death, Betty uses her retard strength and bends the bars of the very real portcullis in the doorway. Go, Betty!

8.) After fumbling around the temple some more, certain that our group is being watched on the magical equivalent of CCTV where Arijani is laughing his head off at how dumb we are, Sindra pokes around the resurrection machine and experiments with it FOR SCIENCE! It fully heals her, removes her lycanthropy (boo) and after the party joins up with her, she convinces everyone to step on the machine to regain their health. So nearly everyone does it. But by the time Big Betty steps on it, the golden light turns black and it fries her, lowering her already low Charisma score. Vincente chuckles; he says Big Betty used it too soon after her resurrection. Nabila asks him why he didn’t say anything. He responds that he “wanted to see what happened.”

9.) Back in the lightning room, Sindra fireballs the moon hemisphere, though it gets out one last lightning bolt and makes a Big Fried Betty even crispier.

10.) We climb up the balcony and rest. While everyone’s asleep, but Granick with one eye open, Betty climbs up the wall to pry a gigantic gem off the bejeweled ceiling to give to Granick as a wedding present. She fails and falls, all the way to the bottom floor and is knocked unconscious.

11.) As we prepare ourselves for the impending battle with Arijani, Sindra casts Stoneskin on the melee fighters. Unfortunately while she’s casting on Big Betty, she wild surges and a big black rubbery tentacle appears out of the floor, slaps Betty, and wraps around her, squeezing the breath from her body.

12.) We rest another night and Betty, determined to get a gem for Granick, succeeds this time. She quietly places it beside Granick’s bedroll and smiles at him, her charred and scarred flesh giving him nightmares for the rest of his life.

13.) During the encounter with Belial and Tyranny, Betty is not happy with the arrangement. She tells Belial that she and Granick are married and she’s pregnant! Granick could give a bigger shit, and Belial preforms a demonic abortion on Betty, placing a magic sigil on her forehead. Betty loses another point of Charisma, says she hates Granick, and sobs.

14.) We leave Betty in the hole in the floor until we can figure out what to do with her now that she’s inconsolable and a hazard to the group.

Death counter:
Big Betty: 1
Armando: 1
Ramsey: 1

Crimes:
demonic abortion

no loot

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Session 35: Into the Tiger's Mouth
Threesomes, belly dancing, male prostitutes, and a body hopping plague lich

We find our adventurers on their way to Tvashti. Once they arrive, they notice the city is crowded, but people avoid us. It’s very hot, too. Karishma leads us to a park with a majestic temple, the University. It’s dedicated to the god of science and technology, Tavastri. Nabila doesn’t think she should go in, being an undead evil priestess and all, so she decides to wander around outside.

An elderly man in golden robes with a shaved head greets us. He speaks to Karishma as if he knows her personally. She asks him about the tiger statue. He says we can enter the temple if we donate a magical item. Sindra thinks if she donates to the temple she should get a brick with her name on it to go in the courtyard, as you do when you’re a philanthropist. Dude doesn’t understand, so we give him the spirit board instead. He seems happy with it. Inside we see students all around studying magic and stuff.

Karishma spots Pacqui, a friend and professor at the university. He tells Karishma he’s been doing lots of paperwork and wishes that she would join the university. She shows him our tiger statue and he shows us to his office. Where did we get it? We found it on a young woman running through the jungle. He knew her. Her name was Tiga, she was his apprentice. She secretly worked with the dark sisters. He asks us what we know about Ravana’s Bane, and we tell him a whole lot of nothing. It’s not a sword, but it’s a silver crossbow bolt. And we’re holding it. Pacqui found Ravana’s Bane on an expedition. It was powerful and he was afraid it would fall into the wrong hands, so he had it reshaped into the tiger figurine. Tiga must have known about it and stole it. In order to have the crossbow bolt reforged, we have to visit Copa the blacksmith. He will reshape the bolt for no charge.

Pacqui tells us about Arajani. He is a master of illusion, a rakshasa. He has no known weaknesses, although he has a soft spot for his mother, Mahiji who is the high priestess of Kali. He is fond of his mother and she could be a weakness. Kali is the goddess of darkness and destruction, the major goddess in the pantheon. She has four arms, and she’s a warrior. Ravana is the god of the rakshasa, Arajani’s father. He used his godlike powers to become an avatar, an assassin in Kali’s temple. Mahiji took him in and they made evil babies. Arajani was shunned by the other children in the sandbox because of his half-divine parentage, thus he grew up with a major chip on his shoulder. Ravana is dead because Arajani killed him and then mated with his mother. Ick. If Arajani is destroyed, the mists will disappear, though no one really knows for sure. Jahed and the lycanthrope Stalkers believe there is no moon in Sri Raji because of Arajani’s power. Pacqui warns us to be careful. We should enjoy ourselves this evening because we may not survive the battle with Arajani.

So while we were in the temple, Nabila got herself hung. A stranger, an outsider, wandering around aimlessly outside, alone. Looking for a cheeseburger. She got herself a new body. Vincente just admires the pants off her (well, on her actually). Nabila takes a moment to try to convert him to the Aegecian order because having no rules is awesome, unlike that stupid Jhannis temple that ostracized him. Vincente asks Karishma if Tvashti has any prostitutes available. Nabila, in her infinite wisdom, hands Vincente some gold and tells him to go to town.

We head to the blacksmith’s shop. Copa is a master smithy, a big hulking guy with a fearful expression on his face as we enter. He draws the curtains. He doesn’t want to reforge the statue but he will as long as we provide proper compensation. His tools were destroyed the first time he forged the crossbow bolt into the statuette. After hours of toil and sweat, Copa presents us with one, lone, solitary, shiny crossbow bolt.

Nighttime arrives and we take Pacqui’s advice and have some fun. We find a seedy bar that serves us drinks and doesn’t care about our outsider status. Vincente is off in a room with his young male friend, and Sindra gets a room. Armando le Pew tries to seduce her, but she tells him that he’ll have to go through Jeb over there. Armando is undaunted and challenges Jeb to an arm wrestling match, which has Sindra thrilled that men are fighting over her. Jeb wins the first round, Armando the second, and the third round sees them tied. So Sindra takes both of them to bed. Woo woo! Meanwhile Big Betty takes some dancing lessons from Karishma and entertains Granick while wearing a special outfit just for him.

Fat belly dancer

The next day we make our way to Bahru. We arrive after several days of travelling through the jungle. Bahru used to be a busy, bustling city but it’s ruined now. There’s a temple in the middle of the ruins, the only intact structure. Nabila loves the place. We take cover and wait for nightfall. We hear the sounds of crumbling rocks all around us, like a small animal scurrying in the rubble. Granick doesn’t feel comfortable, and the hair on his neck is standing up. Someone is staring at him, and he wants them to stop. Nabila casts Detect Spirit and the first Kelvin appears. He’s sad; he can say nothing. Nabila flashes her boobs at him and he disappears. Granick is still uncomfortable.

As night falls, Betty decides to take a walk. Bad idea, Betty. As we come to find out, Betty has a lot of bad ideas floating around in her tiny little brain. Nabila casts Hold Person on her to get her to stop. A giant snakelike creature pops out from underneath her. The head is almost humanlike, and it stinks of rotting flesh. We kill it and drag Betty back. When Hold Person wears off, Betty tells us she needed to “take a dookie.” She goes to do that while singing “I love Granick, I love Granick” complete with handclaps.

Temple entrance

There are large bronze doors set in the gaping jaws of a stone tiger as an entrance to the temple The tiger head is marble and the eyes are large glittering emeralds. Betty, our resident thief, uses her climb wall skillz and tries to pry off an emerald from the tiger’s eye sockets. The eye glows with a shimmering green light. Suddenly Betty doesn’t want to be up there anymore, and she safely climbs down. Granick pushes the doors open, and the tiger eyes light up. A gust of wind from the temple blows against him. It smells like rotten meat.

We decide to rest up for the night, but we are disturbed by some dark sisters who apparently didn’t appreciate our game of Ding Dong Ditch. During the battle, Sindra wild surges. A cloud of poisonous gas appears. Armando is held and is coup de grace’d by a sista. We rest after the battle. Then the next day we go into the temple.

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Session 34: Tyger Tyger Burning Bright
the Armando thrust and tentacle rape

We find our adventurers stepping through a portal in Guadalante, suddenly surrounded by darkness and voices that are too jumbled to make out. Are we back at Harrowstone Prison? Nabila hears Professor Feramin’s voice. He warns her, “She is still coming.” She may already be here.

We open our eyes and we’re in jail cells. Sindra and Nabila have cold iron around our wrists. Granic kis chained up. He’s shirtless and shows signs of being tortured. Our henchmen are gone. There is an occupant in the fourth cell, a female we’ve never seen before. She has jet black hair, and she wears a mask on her entire face, with no distinguishable features other than her eyes and mouth.

A door opens and Ser Bolton of Oxburgh walks through. He asks us if we’re comfortable, but it’s plain that our comfort is not a concern of his. He tells us that we will be executed soon enough. He and Granick exchange words. Nabila wants to know what our crimes are. He just laughs at us. He talks to the woman in the other cell. She was with us. She denies it.

We hear a familiar squeaking sound, the sound of a wooden wheelchair. It’s Father Isambard, and he is absolutely thrilled to have us behind bars. He stops at Nabila’s cell and remarks that she looks different. Dark magic is involved. He points a gnarly finger at Sindra and says he hasn’t forgotten about her. Nabila taunts Father Isambard about a slave ring. He has no idea what she’s talking about. He wants to know where the halfling Izzy is. He doesn’t know our resident half orc barbarian, but he knows about Granick’s “sick fetish.” Where are our companions? we ask. Isambard replies that they are facing branding irons, able to repent for their sins because they were under our command.

Sindra tries to make the best of the bad situation by engaging Wheels in conversation. He has been rebuilding, cleaning up our messes. We’ve incited riots and caused wars. Vogelbrucke was our doing. No, he doesn’t understand. We tell him about Adivion Adrissant. He thinks we’re lying. But he has the Cup of Santiago, and they, Isambard’s followers, will handle it. We face the executioner at dawn. Except for Sindra. Someone has specially requested her. She asks if it’s her mother. Isambard feints and says he has no idea. They want her brain, which will be returned to the Underdark. Finally, someone wants Sindra for her brain. Isambard leaves, smug in his eminent victory, the wheelchair making parting squeaking sounds.

We interrogate the girl with us. Her name is Karishma. She doesn’t know why she’s there. She was wandering in the jungle looking for a carnivorous plant. She wears the mask because she was mauled by a tiger when she was younger. We introduce ourselves.

Time passes and night falls. The dark cells become awash with strange, multicolored light. A mighty armored warrior hovers above us, and he is surrounded by stars and a rainbow. It’s Ortzander the Ferryman of Souls. He pulls our essences away from our bodies, and we travel up the rainbow. We emerge at a low staircase in a great hall which is shrouded in gray mist. Seated on thrones are beings radiating with power. We have an audience with the gods. There is a man in dark tattered robes with a festering, weeping sore on his face. Shelly the Dour stands next to him. Hello, Aegecia. Beside him is a bare chested man with long hair and a gray beard. He holds a trident. It’s Zargos. Whoops. A female with human and orcish features sits beside Zargos. She is wearing thin silk that barely covers her modesty, but she doesn’t seem to mind. It’s Nhezin, the goddess of fertility and dreams. An obese dwarf with greasy hair gnawing on a ham hock sits beside her. That’s Golgoroth. Hope you like that slime creature we called forth in your honor. And finally a human man with a strange twinkle in his eye and a wizard hat on his head, Ciro the Arcane.

Zargos speaks to us first in a loud booming voice. The god of lightning should sound no other way. He says he has a bone to pick with us. How many of his people are we going to kill before we realize he’s trying to help us? Whoops. He stands in front of Granick and taunts him. Why isn’t Granick’s goddess here? Granick unwisely retorts a snarky comment, and Zargos nearly bitchslaps Granick. Shelly intervenes before any lightning punches are exchanged.

Shelly speaks for Aegecia. They are an alliance of the gods who have put aside their differences in beliefs. Nhezin looks sideways at Aegecia. Zargos spouts off about Haggar and Flayne. Golgoroth speaks up about the test and why haven’t we used the cup yet. We tell him our portal was hijacked, and that’s why we haven’t passed our test, wait, what test?

Ciro speaks up and words come out of his mouth in such a rush that it’s hard to keep up. He and Sindra banter for a moment. He tells us that he spelljacked our portal. He also tells us about the test. We have to defeat a tyrant of another sort to see if we’re ready to face Tar-Baphon. It seems we removed a tyrant in the far-away land. He talks to Karishma. She’s a long way from home. We lost memories. We need to get our memories back. We have amnesia from the planar travelling. He asks Nabila about religion.

Dagonor the lord of time hates Ciro because magic can manipulate time, too. Mental time travel. We can go back to just before we stepped into the portal, but it would be risky. We might die. Well, we’re always on the brink of death, but the idea of being executed by Father Isembard’s lackeys doesn’t sit well with us.

We grow sleepy and feel a cool breeze. We hear leaves rustling and songbirds singing. The breeze turns into a gale. We feel stifling heat. The wind passes and it’s quiet. The humidity covers our body in sweat. Bright flowers, thick underbrush…it’s a jungle. We hear strange bird noises and strange animal noises. A woman bursts from the jungle. She’s wearing clothing that has been ripped from her flight through the jungle. She’s carrying a bundle of cloth. Something is behind her, running fast. Her neck snaps. The package goes flying.

We are face to face with a massive tiger. Sindra wants to transform into a weretiger so she can talk to it, but she can’t. The place feels very strange and distant from Nabila and Vincente’s gods. Granick kills the tiger, and it morphs into the body of a human man. He is powerfully built, with a beautiful tiger tattoo on his back. The tigers that are surrounding us are unhappy that their friend has died.

We open the woman’s package after disposing of the tigers. It’s a ceramic figurine of…a tiger. It’s radiating magic. We have no idea what it is, but it’s been blessed — or cursed — by a god. As we try to rest in the jungle, some of us have nightmares. Some of us feel like we’re being watched.

Tiger figurine

We head south towards a town via rice paddies. It’s a small crowded city with narrow streets. The people have dark complexions. They avoid us wherever we go. There are large beasts of burden with long snouts and thick gray hides. We look for an inn and find a boarding house. The man running it doesn’t want us there. Nabila casts Tongues on herself, and she can understand what he’s saying. He wants the outsiders to go away. No outsiders allowed. The Maharaja doesn’t like outsiders and will sentence them to death. So we get out. He opens a window and opens to the people in the city that there are outsiders. The crowd takes notice of us and surrounds us. Women in black robes with skull motifs emerge from the crowd. They have skulls on chains and wave them around in the air. The skulls make mourning sounds which chill the air.

Not sure what else to do, Sindra holds up the tiger statue. Maybe they recognize it. Maybe someone will talk to us. The people gasp and want to fight us. The skull-swinging women attack. We fight. The crowd parts and men with leather armor come up to us, leading us through the crowd and into some back alleys.

Meanwhile in a hut across town, there is a knock on the door. Karishma is the only one who is free to answer it because her mother is in a drug-induced stupor and her father is cutting a jade statue. A muscular man wearing dark leather is behind the door. He is a friend of Jahed’s. Jahed wants to meet with her at once. She tells her parents she is leaving, though they don’t really care. Her father tells her to remember her mask.

The party is in a warehouse in a shadowy room. A six-prong candelabra with red tapers sits on a black tablecloth covered table. Six men, powerfully built, sit at a table, silver goblets in front of them. A man with fiery orange hair sits at the head of the table. They stare at us. Each man has a tiger tattoo on his body. Karishma enters the room. The man with the orange hair tells us he is Jahed. He says he used to be an outsider, and as we found out, outsiders are sentenced to death. He wants to discuss terms with us.

Jahed

In exchange for helping us return home, he wants us to destroy the Maharaja of Sri Raji, the Lord Arajani. Arajani is the high priest of Kali, the goddess of darkness and death and destruction; she is the most feared of all the gods. The dark sisters we fought in the marketplace are part of her clergy. Jahed tells us of a prophecy. An outsider with the weapon, Ravana’s Bane, will slay Arajani. Oh look, a group full of outsiders. How convenient! Jahed tells us about Karishma, that she will be joining us as a guide and interpreter because she can speak the languages.

The dark mist covering everything is the work of Arajani, who corrupted the city of Bahru. Arajani killed his father and had relations with his mother. Arajani eats pilgrims raw. He is a rakshasa. He is bad news. Jahed’s group, the Stalkers who are lycanthropes, will protect us from afar but they cannot get involved. They tell us how to find Ravana’s Bane by going to a university and speaking with the scholars there.

As dusk approaches, a tremendous thunderstorm hits. The temperature drops. We see stars. Sindra does an astrology check and discovers that we are in a different part of the galaxy. Oh, those zany gods who put us up to this! What is going on? Jahed’s men bring us disguises so we can travel safely.

We head to Tvashti to the university on a road cutting through thick, dense jungle. We hear insects and birds, all foreign sounds to our ears. We come to a pass and smell dead bodies. We find two females dressed like dark sisters slumped against trees. They’ve been dead for weeks. One sister has a giant wound in her chest with writhing pink tentacles curling out of it. Nabila checks the body and the tentacles attack her. It’s a carrion stalker and we have to fight. During the battle, Granick learns all about tentacle rape and just what it’s like to have his hiner-hole tickled by something that wants to kill him.

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Session 33: The Cup of Santiago
The party goes to a fancy dress party

We find our adventurers standing outside of Rodrigo y Portillo’s cell. We check the cell now that Rodrigo’s ghost has snuffed it. Granick pops a loose bar off the cell door. The bar is hollow with something rolled up inside. But it’s not a map fragment. It’s horrible poetry. Since there’s no map fragment we have to question the inmates. The guy in the cell next to Rodrigo’s is afraid of us and tells us the guards threw him in there but he’s not supposed to be in jail. We question him about who would know anything about Rodrigo, and he mentions Old Man Silver, just down the way. He’s been there the longest.

Old Man Silver talks to us, though reluctantly. He says Rodrigo was a bad poet and had no friends. Rodrigo tried to escape and talked about treasure — fool’s gold — men become obsessed with gold and it leads to their destruction because they go to the desert and get themselves killed. Silver says that Rodrigo has a piece of the map, but he’s not saying much else. Sindra asks Jeb for his wineskin and holds it out to Silver to get him to talk. He grabs Sindra’s wrist. He reads Sindra, rainbows, black tentacles, log cabins… He says he has “the sight” and Sindra has a wild curse in her. Nabila asks if he ever read Rodrigo’s fortune. Silver says no, but thanks to Vincente and his shiny Amulet of Truth, Vincente tells Nabila that Silver is lying. Silver relents and says he read Rodrigo but lied to him that Rodrigo would find the gold. Then he tells us a story about how he (Silver) got put in jail. (But that is unimportant and I’m trying to get this post finished soooooo long story short: his fortune telling got him on the bad side of the Baron and he was thrown in jail nearly 20 years ago.)

We go to the kitchen, and Jeb cooks up some food we can use as bribes to get people to talk. Nabila is frustrated that she can no longer eat nor cook food, but Jeb manages a palatable stew. So while we’re waiting for the food, Nabila pushes some purple lotus on Granick and he takes it for the first time. The expression on Granick’s face changes. It’s blank. Big Betty asks Granick what’s wrong. Granick replies that Betty scares him. Granick is out of it. Nabila asks him basic questions such as “Do you know your name?” “Do you know what year it is?” but Granick’s answers are a resounding NO. So then Nabila offers to make him some magic mushroom tea. It has little effect on Granick, but then K wants some. It doesn’t do much to K either. Yaay for saving throws. Jeb, however, is disgusted with this drug pushing and tells Nabila off for it. They should be finding this cup, not bending their brains with drugs.

We take the stew to Silver who has no more information for us, so we have to rely on the horrible poem to figure out where that map fragment is. We track paces and end up at the well, just north of the gallows. There’s a slot in the masonry, and Logan uses a lockpick to fish out the map fragment.

Because Granick is suffering from permanent amnesia, we take him back to Silver’s cell and he reads Granick’s fortune to fill in a few gaps. He has mighty orc blood. His ancestors were chieftains, but Granick will be a great general. And someday he will know what true loss means.

We go out to explore the prison for stuff because we like stuff. We find magic throwing knives in one room. In a surgeon’s room in the medical ward, we discover a mahogany cabinet. It’s trapped but Logan tries to disarm the trap. He, Evil Whore, and Black Angus die from the poison gas. We leave them there, take the magic staff, and get out. A records room tells us there should be at least 30 more prisoners in the prison. The prisoners in the cell are all older, while the 18-24 year old demographic shows no young people there. Curious. The warden’s room has bookcases, a writing desk, and a canopy bed. A nice not-magic cloak hangs from a cloak stand. An invitation to Baron Castillo’s birthday celebration sits on the desk. It’s a grand ball to be held at the Baron’s villa in Puerto Mia.

P-A-R-T-WHY? ’CAUSE I GOTTA!

We decide to let out all the prisoners and take them to Tonada to replace the crew members we kind of killed, since Captain Monterray was nice enough to wait on us for so long. Then we set sail to Puerto Mia. We should reach the town just before the day of the ball.

Puerto Mia is roughly the same size as Schwarzwald. Ranches on the edges of town, sandstone walls, and the tangy smells of spices and citrus. There are lots of people here and we’re not gawked at because we’re foreigners. We scope out the villa and roughly plan our party crash. We buy ourselves some nice clothes for the ball so we can fit in and enjoy ourselves. Sindra polymorphs into the prison warden, Granick is his bodyguard, Nabila is a ho, and Vincente and Androgynous Andy are servants. The rest of our party stay on the ship.

The invitation checker man greets the warden. Sindra’s voice is her own and she quickly lowers it and says she has a cold when the invitation checker man gives her a funny look. The Baron’s villa is off the chain. A magically amplified mariachi band plays. The ballroom is awash in beautifully colored ballgowns and finely turned out gentlemen. The floor is made of polished marble, and pillars have sweet-smelling ivy growing up them. The food is typical for parties, and Nabila stares longingly at the table.

Sindra un-polymorphs herself and comes out of the powder room, heading straight for the refreshment table. Granick attracts and old man named Lord Bainbridge interested in Granick’s sword (actual sword weapon) and then they go off to drink wine and talk about war. While Sindra is at the refreshment table, she’s approached by a tall, dark, and handsome stranger. She smiles and looks away, but then he’s suddenly in front of her and introduces himself. He is Armando Montego. Perhaps she knows of him? Sindra tells him she has not heard of him because she is not from there. He couldn’t help noticing her “dark beauty” and asks her to dance. She gladly goes off, leaving Nabila staring at the food.

Then suddenly a raven haired, black eyed beauty sidles up to Nabila. She talks about how the men make fools of themselves. She prefers the softer touch. Nabila agrees and propositions her for sex. The woman laughs, so forward! Nabila didn’t even ask her to dance first. So they go dancing. Who is the half orc? Is Nabila working with Tuco? What’s Nabila’s story. She declines to respond but instead asks the lady her story. The lady says she is trapped. Her husband is Baron Castillo. She was young and desperate when she married him and failed to realize what a swine he was. Tuco is going to help her. Nabila tells her we’re looking for Salamanca’s treasure. So is Baron Castillo. He is obsessed with it. He’s been looking for us because we have pieces of the map. The lady — Anamaria — says we can help each other.

She knows where the other map fragment is. If we can find some documents that implicate her husband in some bad schemes — like what happened to the younger prisoners at the prison — then she will tell us how to get the map fragment. The younger prisoners were sold to the Iron Ring and placed into slavery. She wants her husband ruined. She tells us the map fragment is upstairs in the study. Some men — being Tuco and what’s left of his crew — are coming to crash the party and we should stay out of their way. While Anamaria and Nabila are talking, the Baron makes an appearance on the balcony. The music stops and party goers clap for him. Then the party starts up again.

Nabila finds Sindra and Granick and tells them what happened. As we’re walking towards the stairway, a pretty elven girl approaches Granick and starts digging for gold. Granick tells her she’s a skank, and she storms off. “Gasp! That’s Lolita Ortega! Every man would give their arm to be with her,” says one shocked party goer. Not our Granick. He likes his women thick.

There’s a loud cry over the music. Windows shatter. Heavily armed men come in from either side of the ballroom, and Tuco’s familiar half orc face is among them. Guards pour out, guests run around screaming. Our path to the study is clear. The door is locked, and Nabila discovers it’s trapped as a poison dart shoots out of the smiling mouth underneath the doorknob. It doesn’t hurt her because she’s dead, yaay, so then she casts Detect Traps as we go into the study. The room is very nicely apportioned with lots of dark wood and leather with bookcases and a magic shelf in the far corner of the room.

We find a strongbox and knock it open. Gold, a magic potion, jewelry, and a false bottom. The map fragment is in the bottom. We have the final piece of the map. We can find that treasure. The bottom drawer of the desk is locked, but Sindra knocks it open and we pull out ledgers and letters and other incriminating, damning evidence for Anamaria. The baron is a pretty shady dude. Maybe in another life we would have teamed up with him (if not killed him) and compared crimes and laughed heartily over some wine and cheese. Ha ha you took land bribes? You sold men into slavery? Fair play, my good man.

Sindra manages to successfully cast feather fall on five people and we escape out of a window. There is total chaos. We spot Anamaria and give her the papers she wanted. We also warn her about Adivion Adrissant and invite her to come with us. Sindra asks her about Armando, and Anamaria tells her that he’s a male slut. (Right up Sindra’s alley, then!) He also is a swordsman but she’s never seen him fight.

Then we get the hell outta Dodge. We go for the treasure. From Valencia to Vulture Canyon to a big tree to a nondescript hill to a pile of soft, cracked earth and a pile of stones. Just north of us are about half a dozen men that have been following us. One is Tuco, the rest are his bandit boys we didn’t kill earlier. Tuco says we’re fools. We were followed and he was following the people following us. We see another group of men, wearing the colors of the Baron’s elite guard. Anamaria turned in the evidence against her husband and now he is an outlaw, too.

Sindra detects magic in the air and to the west of us is a lone figure who dispelled an invisibility spell. Why it’s the gold digger Lolita Ortega. She asks us if we’ve found the treasure and insults Sindra the Drow Elf. Sindra insults her back. The Baron’s men head toward us. Quickly we team up with Tuco and his men by offering him half the treasure. Tuco agrees.

During the fight, K falls to a fireball, and we decide not to reincarnate him a second time.

After the fight, Tuco asks if we’re finished fighting. He chops off the Baron’s head and tosses it at his men. Then he walks over to Granick, who has been incapacitated by a dust of sneezing and choking, and cold cocks him in the face, knocking Granick out. Now, Tuco says, they’re even.

We loot the bodies and then go for the stones. We have Betty remove the rocks because she’s such a hulk with her new fire giant strength. She stops and gasps and gets out of the way. A sad looking dwarf in old prospector’s clothes screams GOLD! GOLD! GOOOOOOOOLD! a few times. It’s the ghost of Francisco Vega, and we kill it. Betty continues pulling up the rocks until she reaches a patch of hard solid earth. Tuco’s men have shovels (we didn’t think to bring any, derp) and dig about six feet down. They hit something solid, a plain wooden casket. They carefully open it. Seven burlap sacks each contain a raw gold nugget about the size of a man’s fist. The nuggets weigh about 100 pounds. Wrapped in red velvet is a gold cup that flashes and gleams in the sun. It’s two feet tall and made of solid gold. The cup radiates a holy aura that puts Nabila off. There it is at last, the Cup of Santiago that will lead us to Tar-Baphon’s Gallowspire and to Adivion Adrissant.

We give Tuco and his men four of the nuggets, and then they ride off, happy with their loot. We then return to Puerto Mia where Sindra somehow successfully recruits Armando to become a meat shield since we’re running low on meat shields. He immediately wants to know what the sleeping arrangements are, not wasting any time for a booty call or nothing. We ask about Anamaria, and he says there are rumors that she has fled the country. So it all worked out, then.

Nabila uses the Amulet of Sending to contact Oleander so we can take a portal to Schwarzwald. The amulet burns her again. We find some water in a secluded location and an image appears. Oleander tells us that a portal is ready and it appears for us. We go through. Oleander and Professor Scarman wait for us in Schwarzwald, but the portal closes and we are not there.

Loot: (I don’t know why OP is taking my plus signs out to underline everything. Retarded.)

two throwing knives 1
Staff of Withering +1 (six charges, 1d4
1 DMG) (Vincente)
1,000gp
2,000gp worth of jewelry
a magic potion (needs to be ID’d)
travelling spellbook (Sindra)
dagger 1 Manbane (2 vs. humans)
black robe of the archmagi
dust of sneezing and choking
bombardier beetle chemicals for explody stuff
6,428gp for three gold nuggets
THE CUP OF SANTIAGO! (worth at least 5,000gp)

Crimes:

date rape
identity theft
B&E
3x recreational drug use

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Session 32: The Jailbreak
Nothing ever goes as planned.

We find our adventurers on the edge of a jailbreak. Sindra and Nabila go in to find a Mister Rodrigo y Portillo. He knows where the map piece is and we need it to find Salamanca’s cache. And the Cup of Santiago. After getting themselves all stealthed up, Sindra casts dimension door, and she and Nabila teleport into the administration building just inside the prison. The admin office is full of office furniture, documents, shackles, and branding irons. It’s sweltering inside. A human guard and a dwarf with a knotted beard are sitting around talking. The dwarf is talking, about the old days, about how long it’s been since they’ve had new prisoners to use the branding irons on. The young guard looks nervous.

We go in for the charm, Sindra using the Switch of the Unseelie on the dwarf, who is called Antonio. Nabila casts hold person on the guard so he can’t run away and sound an alarm. We ask Antonio about Rodrigo, but he’s been dead for three years. That complicates things a little. Rodrigo’s cell is haunted by a keening spirit. We send Antonio off to find us some guard uniforms, and when the guard Hector is unheld and charmed, we ask him to find us some of Rodrigo’s belongings. Hector returns with a dossier saying Rodrigo was sentenced to life for robbery and murder. He attempted to escape and was hung. Antonio returns with guard uniforms, and we get changed. Antonio and Hector accompany us to Rodrigo’s cell block, we charm another guard who was on patrol, and find Rodrigo’s cell.

Nabila casts detect spirit and says there’s something hanging around. Sindra steps in and tries to check the cell for cubby holes or loose bricks. The moment she steps in, the spirit manifests itself and attacks. The spirit of Rodrigo y Portillo kills Antonio and Hector and makes enough noise that other people are becoming aware that something is amiss in the cellblock. Sindra pulls Nabila out through a D-door just as a crossbow bolt hits her in the shoulder. The prison is now on alert.

Unsure what to do next other than a full-on invasion of the prison remniscent of the long ass bandit battle, we go back to Tonada to prepare. On our way we stop in Valencia and the town is empty. Vultures and other carrion birds gorge on dead bandit flesh. Jeb notices tracks headed towards Tonada but then double backed to go to Puerto Mia…because there’s a giant jail cell in the way. In Tonada, we make poisons and barrels of explody powder and take the rest of the crew of the Lady Lynn Rob with us. Also Nabila walks in on Androgynous Andy and Vincente…doing measurements for Vincente’s inside leg because obviously the priest needs some decent fitting clothes. Sindra and Jeb shag, though he says he is not a piece of meat. Big Betty wants Granick to grow a barbarian beard so she can braid it for him. Granick also tattoos nearly all of Nabila’s body, drunk from cheap ale, and then has to go back over it with even more tattoos to clean up the squiggly lines and dots.

We return to the prison and get ready to fight. K and Mad McGrath take lotus powder beforehand. K thinks he’s invisible, and Mad McGrath can permanently breathe underwater, a very useful skill to have in the desert. Unfortunately for Mad McGrath, he gets blown up before he gets to use his new skill. A couple of other schmucks die and are reanimated as skeletons that help us take down the prison guards. In the end, we are victorious but the Warden’s body disappears. We loot stuff, return to Rodrigo’s cell and pelt the ghost with +1 arrows and bolts until it’s dead.

Loot:

ring of spell storing (two charges of hold person)
ring of the ram (five charges)
44gp

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