Return of the Tyrant

Session 38: The Darkest Fate
The Everhafins put the FUN in Dysfunction!

Adventure log: Stardate Blackmoon 4436. These are the adventures of the Company of the Tattered Cloak. It’s continuing mission to explore strange new lands, to seek out new loot and new ways of killing people. To boldly go where…no one really wants to go.

Big Betty is a liability. So Granick goes down into the pit and fights her. Kills her. Bashes her skull open on the ground, and her brains spill out on the floor. Then he takes out his recently restored schlong and pisses on her corpse. Done and over with.

We escape Harrowstone Prison, and discover that Isembard has been destroyed. The citadel is damaged. Ravenhill is destroyed. The sky is bright orange. Sindra smells the Underdark and there are 50 drow soldiers with bows trained on us. Sindra thinks they’re after her, but they aren’t.

They escort us to the Jasper Otter, one of the only buildings left standing in Ravenhill. Sindra’s brother Uhlsolg Everhafin is there. He informs Sindra of the family business. Their sister Rualoth is now the Matron Mother of the House. But their mother Nhilonia still lives. She is in exile, building up a cult of followers. Rualoth appears weak, and some of the houses might defect to their mother’s side if she returns to Khazid-Hirn from exile.

Our task is to find an artifact called Dark Fate, a powerful, intelligent wand. It has been used before to cause civil war and strife among the drow. There is a prophecy and a comet that talks about the destruction Dark Fate can cause. A priestess named Alantria used it, but the power consumed her. Her house was driven out of the Underdark. Nhilonia wants the wand in order to return to Khazid-Hirn and defeat Rualoth. Rualoth wants the wand to keep in her vault so no one else can have it or cause another civil war. Uhlsolg confirms that Nhilonia has joined forces with Father Isembard.

Uhlsolg has been in contact with Oleander and the Shadow Conjunction. Finding Dark Fate is not a request but a demand. Oleander already said we would do it. Meanwhile Oleander is in the Moonwood trying to assassinate King Turin. Once Turin is dead and Dark Fate is safely in Rualoth’s vault, then the drow will form an army led by Sindra’s eldest brother Sharinid, a military commander.

The dwarves are out of the picture, having blown their mountain down around them to keep out Adrissant’s undead army. The army traveled to Schwarzwald. Oleander knew the walls wouldn’t last, so he sent out a plague (in honor of Nabila, so sweet!) which killed a large portion of the citizens so Adrissant couldn’t harvest live sacrifices for his army. Amaranth is under seige, the humans are hostages, and the ports are closed. According to a mysterious oracle (a hooded female who speaks in whispers) when the stars align, Adrissant will wheel out his Necroforge and sacrifice all the living. When the Elder Gods are raised, shit befalls the world.

After some arguing with Uhlsolg, Nabila agrees to body hop for him and takes on a new drow body. Then she has a gangbang with 50 drow men. Tyranny and Granick do it on a table. Armando thinks he scored with Karishma, but both of them were pretty drunk and the details are fuzzy. Sindra disappears with Jeb. Vincente and Uhlsolg exchange whispers. And Ramsey sits on the bar drinking wine, watching it all.

Uhlsolg supplies us with “horses” and sends us to Evergloom, an underground grotto known to be the last resting place of Priestess Alantria and her house. On the way there an undead army patrol finds us, and we fight. And loot stuff. YESSSS!

We arrive in the forest. We see pine trees, lots of them, and a tent. A dusting of snow on the ground. We hear voices. Nabila sneaks up but can’t understand their language. Sindra tries to hide in shadows and sneak up. Unfortunately, the DM rolled a natural 100, so Sindra gets caught with a knife to her throat and out pop some drow and svirneblin. Sindra recognizes the commander of the group as her baby brother Dipton. Dipton doesn’t recognize her, what with the green hair and crazy eyes and all.

They have a long discussion about things. Dipton supports Nhilonia. Dipton also was very intimate with their sister Mayraena before Sindra killed her at the fortress in Hag’s Breath. Ew. Nhilonia is going crazy, and she’s going to lose. She has never quite recovered from baby sister Vlonisstra’s death so many years ago that forced Sindra to escape the Underdark. Sindra tries diplomacy and warns Dipton of Adivion Adrissant’s army, about all the horrors that are going to take place, and how the drow need to stop fighting and come together. Dipton and his men leave, no blood shed.

DIPLOMACY, BITCHES.

We go down the big hole into the underground grotto. We listen for noises and take a path south where we converge on five monstrous driders. One of the driders, who happened to be a wizard from Dipton’s crew, cast a spell: Big Betty appeared as a Phantasmal Killer to torment Granick. The illusion causes Granick to have a heart attack, and he dies of fright. Tyranny, through the biological imperative of Granick’s schlong, instantly disappears, having been impregnated like the first time he shagged her.

We loot Granick’s body, not sure what to do with it just yet, and then continue through the grotto until we find Alantria’s grave and the resting place of Dark Fate. Her sarcophagus lid is ajar, which is never a good sign in the adventuring world. Sindra levitates the lid and the coffin is empty except for a piece of parchment.

Parchment

Death counter:
Granick: 1

Crimes:
gangbang x 50

Loot:

24 x lightning crossbow bolts
necromancer’s scroll
3 x dagger + 1
2 x potions extra healing
type N poison (necromancer cyanide)
30gp
5 x onyx stones (50gp each)
8 x drow shortswords + 1
3 x suits of drow chainmail + 1
3 x longbows
20 x arrows + 1
wand of cure critical wounds (4 charges)
battleaxe + 2
Dirthspar prayer beads
drider spellbook
potion of jump
potion of invisibility
2 x vials holy water
ring of protection + 1
ring of danger sense (25% to find traps)
drider spellbook
3 x handaxes + 1
14 x acid arrows (+ 1 to hit, 1d3 acid damage)

Granick’s equipment

Sindra’s siblings
Rualoth
Sharinid
Uhlsolg
Sindra
Mayraena (deceased)
Vlonisstra (deceased)
Dipton

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Session 36 and 37: Big Betty's Big Adventure
Saving throws against spells, please.

We find our adventurers in dire need of an adventure log update because your faithful narrator has been too lazy and let them pile up.

Session 36 was mostly the party fumbling around Kali’s temple trying to figure out what are illusions and what are real spikes. We try to hump mosaic columns, eat mosaic bananas, smell mosaic flowers, and generally give the DM a hard time. We fought a giant illusory tapestry (that looks like Sheeva from Mortal Kombat 3).

We discovered a warm golden disc, a symbol of Savitri, the forgotten god of light and healing. Vincente said that the healers of Jhannis had a similar artifact, and it bathed whoever stepped on it in a healing light. Armando is resurrected on the disc, back as good as new.

We fought more dark sisters and three priestesses of the temple, one being Arijani’s human mother. Ramsey snuffed it, so we threw him on the resurrection machine.

Moving ahead:

The battle with Arajani ended as Ramsey scored the killing blow with Ravana’s Bane. Mist chokes us and then it turns red. A twelve foot tall beast with crimson skin, curved horns, wings, claws, and fangs stands before us. He is Belial,a tanar’ri, the Archduke of the Nine Hells. He’s been watching us from afar, says we have power. He wants something. He wants Granick, our friendly neighborhood half orc barbarian killing machine. He wants Granick to lead his army for all eternity in exchange for getting us out of the mists. Granick is cool with this. Belial pulls out a contract made of flesh and Granick signs the contract in his own blood.

However, Granick does not bother to READ the contract. As an additional provision to the arrangement, a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy winged female appears. A succubus named Tyranny. Granick has to impregnate her and they will have a powerful tiefling child that will wreak havoc and cause chaos by the time he’s in training pants. Since his wang grew back in the resurrection machine and she’s a lot prettier than Betty, he’s willing to give it a try.

We end up in the Hall of the Gods. Zargos is mad because we used his trident of fish command to spike open a door. Nhezin is proud of Granick for taking the demon’s offer and grants him a bonus power. We ask questions. Is Brother Jalthor alive? Golgoroth says yes, that he’s part of the Shadow Conjunction. No one knows where Daven is, but Gideon the Intelligent Sword is still with him. Spud is alive too, whereabouts unknown. Then we leave before the gods can start arguing again.

We are returned to our cells in Harrowstone Prison. Outside it’s storming. Tyranny arrives, goes down on Granick, and then pulls the cell keys out of her ample bosom. We escape but have to find our henchpeople. Everyone but Betty and Vincente are in cells; Betty is in the holding cell in the floor, sobbing.

We fight some guards with bare knuckle brawling and spells. Sindra wild surges, throwing everyone within 80 feet of her six months into the future. Because Vincente was in the torture room, he wasn’t propelled forward, so we have to rescue him.

Vincente spent a year being tortured by Father D-bag and his Flayne zealots. They abandoned him on a spiked table and left him to die. Aegecia was with Vincente this entire time and blessed him, giving him the full powers of a plaguegiver. He knew Nabila would rescue him. He enjoyed the pain. Now he wants Father Isembard to pay.

What is really most important out of these two sessions is how Big Betty got herself in a lot of trouble. Let’s recount those moments, shall we?

Remember from Session 35 when Big Betty went to “take a dookie” and irritated a sandworm that tried to kill us? That’s only the beginning.

1.) In the room decorated to look like the city of Bahru with the moon-shaped hemisphere, Betty climbs the walls and is struck by lightning.

2.) Back in the previous room with eight statues, Betty tries to take a dagger out of the old man’s hand. The statue comes to life long enough to scream bloody murder at her. She shits her pants.

3.) Another room is full of rocks and a gentle breeze blows. The walls are cracked and fizzured. A fog rolls in, and the wind picks up. Big Betty tries to open the heavy door and a gust of wind blows her back into a wall of very real spikes.

4.) We find a giant golden egg resting on a marble pedestal. Solid gold. 15 feet thick, 25 feet long. Betty’s hungry and wants an omelette.

5.) After Nabila’s taunting, Betty gives herself a tattoo that matches Granick’s because in orc culture, people with matching tattoos are married.

6.) We discover a very pleasant room filled with a beautiful pool of crystal-clear water. Because Betty has a poopy in her panties, she decides the best thing to do is cannonball in the welcoming water to wash herself off. Except it’s a temple of illusions and the pool is filled WITH ACID! Betty botches her DEX check and falls back in the pool and dies. Sindra managed to cast Levitate on her at the last second and was able to lift Betty’s icky remains out of the pool and deposit her on the resurrection machine.

7.) We become trapped in a room that leaks green and oily red liquid. Vincente tells us it’s bad news. To save us from nasty acid death, Betty uses her retard strength and bends the bars of the very real portcullis in the doorway. Go, Betty!

8.) After fumbling around the temple some more, certain that our group is being watched on the magical equivalent of CCTV where Arijani is laughing his head off at how dumb we are, Sindra pokes around the resurrection machine and experiments with it FOR SCIENCE! It fully heals her, removes her lycanthropy (boo) and after the party joins up with her, she convinces everyone to step on the machine to regain their health. So nearly everyone does it. But by the time Big Betty steps on it, the golden light turns black and it fries her, lowering her already low Charisma score. Vincente chuckles; he says Big Betty used it too soon after her resurrection. Nabila asks him why he didn’t say anything. He responds that he “wanted to see what happened.”

9.) Back in the lightning room, Sindra fireballs the moon hemisphere, though it gets out one last lightning bolt and makes a Big Fried Betty even crispier.

10.) We climb up the balcony and rest. While everyone’s asleep, but Granick with one eye open, Betty climbs up the wall to pry a gigantic gem off the bejeweled ceiling to give to Granick as a wedding present. She fails and falls, all the way to the bottom floor and is knocked unconscious.

11.) As we prepare ourselves for the impending battle with Arijani, Sindra casts Stoneskin on the melee fighters. Unfortunately while she’s casting on Big Betty, she wild surges and a big black rubbery tentacle appears out of the floor, slaps Betty, and wraps around her, squeezing the breath from her body.

12.) We rest another night and Betty, determined to get a gem for Granick, succeeds this time. She quietly places it beside Granick’s bedroll and smiles at him, her charred and scarred flesh giving him nightmares for the rest of his life.

13.) During the encounter with Belial and Tyranny, Betty is not happy with the arrangement. She tells Belial that she and Granick are married and she’s pregnant! Granick could give a bigger shit, and Belial preforms a demonic abortion on Betty, placing a magic sigil on her forehead. Betty loses another point of Charisma, says she hates Granick, and sobs.

14.) We leave Betty in the hole in the floor until we can figure out what to do with her now that she’s inconsolable and a hazard to the group.

Death counter:
Big Betty: 1
Armando: 1
Ramsey: 1

Crimes:
demonic abortion

no loot

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Session 35: Into the Tiger's Mouth
Threesomes, belly dancing, male prostitutes, and a body hopping plague lich

We find our adventurers on their way to Tvashti. Once they arrive, they notice the city is crowded, but people avoid us. It’s very hot, too. Karishma leads us to a park with a majestic temple, the University. It’s dedicated to the god of science and technology, Tavastri. Nabila doesn’t think she should go in, being an undead evil priestess and all, so she decides to wander around outside.

An elderly man in golden robes with a shaved head greets us. He speaks to Karishma as if he knows her personally. She asks him about the tiger statue. He says we can enter the temple if we donate a magical item. Sindra thinks if she donates to the temple she should get a brick with her name on it to go in the courtyard, as you do when you’re a philanthropist. Dude doesn’t understand, so we give him the spirit board instead. He seems happy with it. Inside we see students all around studying magic and stuff.

Karishma spots Pacqui, a friend and professor at the university. He tells Karishma he’s been doing lots of paperwork and wishes that she would join the university. She shows him our tiger statue and he shows us to his office. Where did we get it? We found it on a young woman running through the jungle. He knew her. Her name was Tiga, she was his apprentice. She secretly worked with the dark sisters. He asks us what we know about Ravana’s Bane, and we tell him a whole lot of nothing. It’s not a sword, but it’s a silver crossbow bolt. And we’re holding it. Pacqui found Ravana’s Bane on an expedition. It was powerful and he was afraid it would fall into the wrong hands, so he had it reshaped into the tiger figurine. Tiga must have known about it and stole it. In order to have the crossbow bolt reforged, we have to visit Copa the blacksmith. He will reshape the bolt for no charge.

Pacqui tells us about Arajani. He is a master of illusion, a rakshasa. He has no known weaknesses, although he has a soft spot for his mother, Mahiji who is the high priestess of Kali. He is fond of his mother and she could be a weakness. Kali is the goddess of darkness and destruction, the major goddess in the pantheon. She has four arms, and she’s a warrior. Ravana is the god of the rakshasa, Arajani’s father. He used his godlike powers to become an avatar, an assassin in Kali’s temple. Mahiji took him in and they made evil babies. Arajani was shunned by the other children in the sandbox because of his half-divine parentage, thus he grew up with a major chip on his shoulder. Ravana is dead because Arajani killed him and then mated with his mother. Ick. If Arajani is destroyed, the mists will disappear, though no one really knows for sure. Jahed and the lycanthrope Stalkers believe there is no moon in Sri Raji because of Arajani’s power. Pacqui warns us to be careful. We should enjoy ourselves this evening because we may not survive the battle with Arajani.

So while we were in the temple, Nabila got herself hung. A stranger, an outsider, wandering around aimlessly outside, alone. Looking for a cheeseburger. She got herself a new body. Vincente just admires the pants off her (well, on her actually). Nabila takes a moment to try to convert him to the Aegecian order because having no rules is awesome, unlike that stupid Jhannis temple that ostracized him. Vincente asks Karishma if Tvashti has any prostitutes available. Nabila, in her infinite wisdom, hands Vincente some gold and tells him to go to town.

We head to the blacksmith’s shop. Copa is a master smithy, a big hulking guy with a fearful expression on his face as we enter. He draws the curtains. He doesn’t want to reforge the statue but he will as long as we provide proper compensation. His tools were destroyed the first time he forged the crossbow bolt into the statuette. After hours of toil and sweat, Copa presents us with one, lone, solitary, shiny crossbow bolt.

Nighttime arrives and we take Pacqui’s advice and have some fun. We find a seedy bar that serves us drinks and doesn’t care about our outsider status. Vincente is off in a room with his young male friend, and Sindra gets a room. Armando le Pew tries to seduce her, but she tells him that he’ll have to go through Jeb over there. Armando is undaunted and challenges Jeb to an arm wrestling match, which has Sindra thrilled that men are fighting over her. Jeb wins the first round, Armando the second, and the third round sees them tied. So Sindra takes both of them to bed. Woo woo! Meanwhile Big Betty takes some dancing lessons from Karishma and entertains Granick while wearing a special outfit just for him.

Fat belly dancer

The next day we make our way to Bahru. We arrive after several days of travelling through the jungle. Bahru used to be a busy, bustling city but it’s ruined now. There’s a temple in the middle of the ruins, the only intact structure. Nabila loves the place. We take cover and wait for nightfall. We hear the sounds of crumbling rocks all around us, like a small animal scurrying in the rubble. Granick doesn’t feel comfortable, and the hair on his neck is standing up. Someone is staring at him, and he wants them to stop. Nabila casts Detect Spirit and the first Kelvin appears. He’s sad; he can say nothing. Nabila flashes her boobs at him and he disappears. Granick is still uncomfortable.

As night falls, Betty decides to take a walk. Bad idea, Betty. As we come to find out, Betty has a lot of bad ideas floating around in her tiny little brain. Nabila casts Hold Person on her to get her to stop. A giant snakelike creature pops out from underneath her. The head is almost humanlike, and it stinks of rotting flesh. We kill it and drag Betty back. When Hold Person wears off, Betty tells us she needed to “take a dookie.” She goes to do that while singing “I love Granick, I love Granick” complete with handclaps.

Temple entrance

There are large bronze doors set in the gaping jaws of a stone tiger as an entrance to the temple The tiger head is marble and the eyes are large glittering emeralds. Betty, our resident thief, uses her climb wall skillz and tries to pry off an emerald from the tiger’s eye sockets. The eye glows with a shimmering green light. Suddenly Betty doesn’t want to be up there anymore, and she safely climbs down. Granick pushes the doors open, and the tiger eyes light up. A gust of wind from the temple blows against him. It smells like rotten meat.

We decide to rest up for the night, but we are disturbed by some dark sisters who apparently didn’t appreciate our game of Ding Dong Ditch. During the battle, Sindra wild surges. A cloud of poisonous gas appears. Armando is held and is coup de grace’d by a sista. We rest after the battle. Then the next day we go into the temple.

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Session 34: Tyger Tyger Burning Bright
the Armando thrust and tentacle rape

We find our adventurers stepping through a portal in Guadalante, suddenly surrounded by darkness and voices that are too jumbled to make out. Are we back at Harrowstone Prison? Nabila hears Professor Feramin’s voice. He warns her, “She is still coming.” She may already be here.

We open our eyes and we’re in jail cells. Sindra and Nabila have cold iron around our wrists. Granic kis chained up. He’s shirtless and shows signs of being tortured. Our henchmen are gone. There is an occupant in the fourth cell, a female we’ve never seen before. She has jet black hair, and she wears a mask on her entire face, with no distinguishable features other than her eyes and mouth.

A door opens and Ser Bolton of Oxburgh walks through. He asks us if we’re comfortable, but it’s plain that our comfort is not a concern of his. He tells us that we will be executed soon enough. He and Granick exchange words. Nabila wants to know what our crimes are. He just laughs at us. He talks to the woman in the other cell. She was with us. She denies it.

We hear a familiar squeaking sound, the sound of a wooden wheelchair. It’s Father Isambard, and he is absolutely thrilled to have us behind bars. He stops at Nabila’s cell and remarks that she looks different. Dark magic is involved. He points a gnarly finger at Sindra and says he hasn’t forgotten about her. Nabila taunts Father Isambard about a slave ring. He has no idea what she’s talking about. He wants to know where the halfling Izzy is. He doesn’t know our resident half orc barbarian, but he knows about Granick’s “sick fetish.” Where are our companions? we ask. Isambard replies that they are facing branding irons, able to repent for their sins because they were under our command.

Sindra tries to make the best of the bad situation by engaging Wheels in conversation. He has been rebuilding, cleaning up our messes. We’ve incited riots and caused wars. Vogelbrucke was our doing. No, he doesn’t understand. We tell him about Adivion Adrissant. He thinks we’re lying. But he has the Cup of Santiago, and they, Isambard’s followers, will handle it. We face the executioner at dawn. Except for Sindra. Someone has specially requested her. She asks if it’s her mother. Isambard feints and says he has no idea. They want her brain, which will be returned to the Underdark. Finally, someone wants Sindra for her brain. Isambard leaves, smug in his eminent victory, the wheelchair making parting squeaking sounds.

We interrogate the girl with us. Her name is Karishma. She doesn’t know why she’s there. She was wandering in the jungle looking for a carnivorous plant. She wears the mask because she was mauled by a tiger when she was younger. We introduce ourselves.

Time passes and night falls. The dark cells become awash with strange, multicolored light. A mighty armored warrior hovers above us, and he is surrounded by stars and a rainbow. It’s Ortzander the Ferryman of Souls. He pulls our essences away from our bodies, and we travel up the rainbow. We emerge at a low staircase in a great hall which is shrouded in gray mist. Seated on thrones are beings radiating with power. We have an audience with the gods. There is a man in dark tattered robes with a festering, weeping sore on his face. Shelly the Dour stands next to him. Hello, Aegecia. Beside him is a bare chested man with long hair and a gray beard. He holds a trident. It’s Zargos. Whoops. A female with human and orcish features sits beside Zargos. She is wearing thin silk that barely covers her modesty, but she doesn’t seem to mind. It’s Nhezin, the goddess of fertility and dreams. An obese dwarf with greasy hair gnawing on a ham hock sits beside her. That’s Golgoroth. Hope you like that slime creature we called forth in your honor. And finally a human man with a strange twinkle in his eye and a wizard hat on his head, Ciro the Arcane.

Zargos speaks to us first in a loud booming voice. The god of lightning should sound no other way. He says he has a bone to pick with us. How many of his people are we going to kill before we realize he’s trying to help us? Whoops. He stands in front of Granick and taunts him. Why isn’t Granick’s goddess here? Granick unwisely retorts a snarky comment, and Zargos nearly bitchslaps Granick. Shelly intervenes before any lightning punches are exchanged.

Shelly speaks for Aegecia. They are an alliance of the gods who have put aside their differences in beliefs. Nhezin looks sideways at Aegecia. Zargos spouts off about Haggar and Flayne. Golgoroth speaks up about the test and why haven’t we used the cup yet. We tell him our portal was hijacked, and that’s why we haven’t passed our test, wait, what test?

Ciro speaks up and words come out of his mouth in such a rush that it’s hard to keep up. He and Sindra banter for a moment. He tells us that he spelljacked our portal. He also tells us about the test. We have to defeat a tyrant of another sort to see if we’re ready to face Tar-Baphon. It seems we removed a tyrant in the far-away land. He talks to Karishma. She’s a long way from home. We lost memories. We need to get our memories back. We have amnesia from the planar travelling. He asks Nabila about religion.

Dagonor the lord of time hates Ciro because magic can manipulate time, too. Mental time travel. We can go back to just before we stepped into the portal, but it would be risky. We might die. Well, we’re always on the brink of death, but the idea of being executed by Father Isembard’s lackeys doesn’t sit well with us.

We grow sleepy and feel a cool breeze. We hear leaves rustling and songbirds singing. The breeze turns into a gale. We feel stifling heat. The wind passes and it’s quiet. The humidity covers our body in sweat. Bright flowers, thick underbrush…it’s a jungle. We hear strange bird noises and strange animal noises. A woman bursts from the jungle. She’s wearing clothing that has been ripped from her flight through the jungle. She’s carrying a bundle of cloth. Something is behind her, running fast. Her neck snaps. The package goes flying.

We are face to face with a massive tiger. Sindra wants to transform into a weretiger so she can talk to it, but she can’t. The place feels very strange and distant from Nabila and Vincente’s gods. Granick kills the tiger, and it morphs into the body of a human man. He is powerfully built, with a beautiful tiger tattoo on his back. The tigers that are surrounding us are unhappy that their friend has died.

We open the woman’s package after disposing of the tigers. It’s a ceramic figurine of…a tiger. It’s radiating magic. We have no idea what it is, but it’s been blessed — or cursed — by a god. As we try to rest in the jungle, some of us have nightmares. Some of us feel like we’re being watched.

Tiger figurine

We head south towards a town via rice paddies. It’s a small crowded city with narrow streets. The people have dark complexions. They avoid us wherever we go. There are large beasts of burden with long snouts and thick gray hides. We look for an inn and find a boarding house. The man running it doesn’t want us there. Nabila casts Tongues on herself, and she can understand what he’s saying. He wants the outsiders to go away. No outsiders allowed. The Maharaja doesn’t like outsiders and will sentence them to death. So we get out. He opens a window and opens to the people in the city that there are outsiders. The crowd takes notice of us and surrounds us. Women in black robes with skull motifs emerge from the crowd. They have skulls on chains and wave them around in the air. The skulls make mourning sounds which chill the air.

Not sure what else to do, Sindra holds up the tiger statue. Maybe they recognize it. Maybe someone will talk to us. The people gasp and want to fight us. The skull-swinging women attack. We fight. The crowd parts and men with leather armor come up to us, leading us through the crowd and into some back alleys.

Meanwhile in a hut across town, there is a knock on the door. Karishma is the only one who is free to answer it because her mother is in a drug-induced stupor and her father is cutting a jade statue. A muscular man wearing dark leather is behind the door. He is a friend of Jahed’s. Jahed wants to meet with her at once. She tells her parents she is leaving, though they don’t really care. Her father tells her to remember her mask.

The party is in a warehouse in a shadowy room. A six-prong candelabra with red tapers sits on a black tablecloth covered table. Six men, powerfully built, sit at a table, silver goblets in front of them. A man with fiery orange hair sits at the head of the table. They stare at us. Each man has a tiger tattoo on his body. Karishma enters the room. The man with the orange hair tells us he is Jahed. He says he used to be an outsider, and as we found out, outsiders are sentenced to death. He wants to discuss terms with us.

Jahed

In exchange for helping us return home, he wants us to destroy the Maharaja of Sri Raji, the Lord Arajani. Arajani is the high priest of Kali, the goddess of darkness and death and destruction; she is the most feared of all the gods. The dark sisters we fought in the marketplace are part of her clergy. Jahed tells us of a prophecy. An outsider with the weapon, Ravana’s Bane, will slay Arajani. Oh look, a group full of outsiders. How convenient! Jahed tells us about Karishma, that she will be joining us as a guide and interpreter because she can speak the languages.

The dark mist covering everything is the work of Arajani, who corrupted the city of Bahru. Arajani killed his father and had relations with his mother. Arajani eats pilgrims raw. He is a rakshasa. He is bad news. Jahed’s group, the Stalkers who are lycanthropes, will protect us from afar but they cannot get involved. They tell us how to find Ravana’s Bane by going to a university and speaking with the scholars there.

As dusk approaches, a tremendous thunderstorm hits. The temperature drops. We see stars. Sindra does an astrology check and discovers that we are in a different part of the galaxy. Oh, those zany gods who put us up to this! What is going on? Jahed’s men bring us disguises so we can travel safely.

We head to Tvashti to the university on a road cutting through thick, dense jungle. We hear insects and birds, all foreign sounds to our ears. We come to a pass and smell dead bodies. We find two females dressed like dark sisters slumped against trees. They’ve been dead for weeks. One sister has a giant wound in her chest with writhing pink tentacles curling out of it. Nabila checks the body and the tentacles attack her. It’s a carrion stalker and we have to fight. During the battle, Granick learns all about tentacle rape and just what it’s like to have his hiner-hole tickled by something that wants to kill him.

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Session 33: The Cup of Santiago
The party goes to a fancy dress party

We find our adventurers standing outside of Rodrigo y Portillo’s cell. We check the cell now that Rodrigo’s ghost has snuffed it. Granick pops a loose bar off the cell door. The bar is hollow with something rolled up inside. But it’s not a map fragment. It’s horrible poetry. Since there’s no map fragment we have to question the inmates. The guy in the cell next to Rodrigo’s is afraid of us and tells us the guards threw him in there but he’s not supposed to be in jail. We question him about who would know anything about Rodrigo, and he mentions Old Man Silver, just down the way. He’s been there the longest.

Old Man Silver talks to us, though reluctantly. He says Rodrigo was a bad poet and had no friends. Rodrigo tried to escape and talked about treasure — fool’s gold — men become obsessed with gold and it leads to their destruction because they go to the desert and get themselves killed. Silver says that Rodrigo has a piece of the map, but he’s not saying much else. Sindra asks Jeb for his wineskin and holds it out to Silver to get him to talk. He grabs Sindra’s wrist. He reads Sindra, rainbows, black tentacles, log cabins… He says he has “the sight” and Sindra has a wild curse in her. Nabila asks if he ever read Rodrigo’s fortune. Silver says no, but thanks to Vincente and his shiny Amulet of Truth, Vincente tells Nabila that Silver is lying. Silver relents and says he read Rodrigo but lied to him that Rodrigo would find the gold. Then he tells us a story about how he (Silver) got put in jail. (But that is unimportant and I’m trying to get this post finished soooooo long story short: his fortune telling got him on the bad side of the Baron and he was thrown in jail nearly 20 years ago.)

We go to the kitchen, and Jeb cooks up some food we can use as bribes to get people to talk. Nabila is frustrated that she can no longer eat nor cook food, but Jeb manages a palatable stew. So while we’re waiting for the food, Nabila pushes some purple lotus on Granick and he takes it for the first time. The expression on Granick’s face changes. It’s blank. Big Betty asks Granick what’s wrong. Granick replies that Betty scares him. Granick is out of it. Nabila asks him basic questions such as “Do you know your name?” “Do you know what year it is?” but Granick’s answers are a resounding NO. So then Nabila offers to make him some magic mushroom tea. It has little effect on Granick, but then K wants some. It doesn’t do much to K either. Yaay for saving throws. Jeb, however, is disgusted with this drug pushing and tells Nabila off for it. They should be finding this cup, not bending their brains with drugs.

We take the stew to Silver who has no more information for us, so we have to rely on the horrible poem to figure out where that map fragment is. We track paces and end up at the well, just north of the gallows. There’s a slot in the masonry, and Logan uses a lockpick to fish out the map fragment.

Because Granick is suffering from permanent amnesia, we take him back to Silver’s cell and he reads Granick’s fortune to fill in a few gaps. He has mighty orc blood. His ancestors were chieftains, but Granick will be a great general. And someday he will know what true loss means.

We go out to explore the prison for stuff because we like stuff. We find magic throwing knives in one room. In a surgeon’s room in the medical ward, we discover a mahogany cabinet. It’s trapped but Logan tries to disarm the trap. He, Evil Whore, and Black Angus die from the poison gas. We leave them there, take the magic staff, and get out. A records room tells us there should be at least 30 more prisoners in the prison. The prisoners in the cell are all older, while the 18-24 year old demographic shows no young people there. Curious. The warden’s room has bookcases, a writing desk, and a canopy bed. A nice not-magic cloak hangs from a cloak stand. An invitation to Baron Castillo’s birthday celebration sits on the desk. It’s a grand ball to be held at the Baron’s villa in Puerto Mia.

P-A-R-T-WHY? ’CAUSE I GOTTA!

We decide to let out all the prisoners and take them to Tonada to replace the crew members we kind of killed, since Captain Monterray was nice enough to wait on us for so long. Then we set sail to Puerto Mia. We should reach the town just before the day of the ball.

Puerto Mia is roughly the same size as Schwarzwald. Ranches on the edges of town, sandstone walls, and the tangy smells of spices and citrus. There are lots of people here and we’re not gawked at because we’re foreigners. We scope out the villa and roughly plan our party crash. We buy ourselves some nice clothes for the ball so we can fit in and enjoy ourselves. Sindra polymorphs into the prison warden, Granick is his bodyguard, Nabila is a ho, and Vincente and Androgynous Andy are servants. The rest of our party stay on the ship.

The invitation checker man greets the warden. Sindra’s voice is her own and she quickly lowers it and says she has a cold when the invitation checker man gives her a funny look. The Baron’s villa is off the chain. A magically amplified mariachi band plays. The ballroom is awash in beautifully colored ballgowns and finely turned out gentlemen. The floor is made of polished marble, and pillars have sweet-smelling ivy growing up them. The food is typical for parties, and Nabila stares longingly at the table.

Sindra un-polymorphs herself and comes out of the powder room, heading straight for the refreshment table. Granick attracts and old man named Lord Bainbridge interested in Granick’s sword (actual sword weapon) and then they go off to drink wine and talk about war. While Sindra is at the refreshment table, she’s approached by a tall, dark, and handsome stranger. She smiles and looks away, but then he’s suddenly in front of her and introduces himself. He is Armando Montego. Perhaps she knows of him? Sindra tells him she has not heard of him because she is not from there. He couldn’t help noticing her “dark beauty” and asks her to dance. She gladly goes off, leaving Nabila staring at the food.

Then suddenly a raven haired, black eyed beauty sidles up to Nabila. She talks about how the men make fools of themselves. She prefers the softer touch. Nabila agrees and propositions her for sex. The woman laughs, so forward! Nabila didn’t even ask her to dance first. So they go dancing. Who is the half orc? Is Nabila working with Tuco? What’s Nabila’s story. She declines to respond but instead asks the lady her story. The lady says she is trapped. Her husband is Baron Castillo. She was young and desperate when she married him and failed to realize what a swine he was. Tuco is going to help her. Nabila tells her we’re looking for Salamanca’s treasure. So is Baron Castillo. He is obsessed with it. He’s been looking for us because we have pieces of the map. The lady — Anamaria — says we can help each other.

She knows where the other map fragment is. If we can find some documents that implicate her husband in some bad schemes — like what happened to the younger prisoners at the prison — then she will tell us how to get the map fragment. The younger prisoners were sold to the Iron Ring and placed into slavery. She wants her husband ruined. She tells us the map fragment is upstairs in the study. Some men — being Tuco and what’s left of his crew — are coming to crash the party and we should stay out of their way. While Anamaria and Nabila are talking, the Baron makes an appearance on the balcony. The music stops and party goers clap for him. Then the party starts up again.

Nabila finds Sindra and Granick and tells them what happened. As we’re walking towards the stairway, a pretty elven girl approaches Granick and starts digging for gold. Granick tells her she’s a skank, and she storms off. “Gasp! That’s Lolita Ortega! Every man would give their arm to be with her,” says one shocked party goer. Not our Granick. He likes his women thick.

There’s a loud cry over the music. Windows shatter. Heavily armed men come in from either side of the ballroom, and Tuco’s familiar half orc face is among them. Guards pour out, guests run around screaming. Our path to the study is clear. The door is locked, and Nabila discovers it’s trapped as a poison dart shoots out of the smiling mouth underneath the doorknob. It doesn’t hurt her because she’s dead, yaay, so then she casts Detect Traps as we go into the study. The room is very nicely apportioned with lots of dark wood and leather with bookcases and a magic shelf in the far corner of the room.

We find a strongbox and knock it open. Gold, a magic potion, jewelry, and a false bottom. The map fragment is in the bottom. We have the final piece of the map. We can find that treasure. The bottom drawer of the desk is locked, but Sindra knocks it open and we pull out ledgers and letters and other incriminating, damning evidence for Anamaria. The baron is a pretty shady dude. Maybe in another life we would have teamed up with him (if not killed him) and compared crimes and laughed heartily over some wine and cheese. Ha ha you took land bribes? You sold men into slavery? Fair play, my good man.

Sindra manages to successfully cast feather fall on five people and we escape out of a window. There is total chaos. We spot Anamaria and give her the papers she wanted. We also warn her about Adivion Adrissant and invite her to come with us. Sindra asks her about Armando, and Anamaria tells her that he’s a male slut. (Right up Sindra’s alley, then!) He also is a swordsman but she’s never seen him fight.

Then we get the hell outta Dodge. We go for the treasure. From Valencia to Vulture Canyon to a big tree to a nondescript hill to a pile of soft, cracked earth and a pile of stones. Just north of us are about half a dozen men that have been following us. One is Tuco, the rest are his bandit boys we didn’t kill earlier. Tuco says we’re fools. We were followed and he was following the people following us. We see another group of men, wearing the colors of the Baron’s elite guard. Anamaria turned in the evidence against her husband and now he is an outlaw, too.

Sindra detects magic in the air and to the west of us is a lone figure who dispelled an invisibility spell. Why it’s the gold digger Lolita Ortega. She asks us if we’ve found the treasure and insults Sindra the Drow Elf. Sindra insults her back. The Baron’s men head toward us. Quickly we team up with Tuco and his men by offering him half the treasure. Tuco agrees.

During the fight, K falls to a fireball, and we decide not to reincarnate him a second time.

After the fight, Tuco asks if we’re finished fighting. He chops off the Baron’s head and tosses it at his men. Then he walks over to Granick, who has been incapacitated by a dust of sneezing and choking, and cold cocks him in the face, knocking Granick out. Now, Tuco says, they’re even.

We loot the bodies and then go for the stones. We have Betty remove the rocks because she’s such a hulk with her new fire giant strength. She stops and gasps and gets out of the way. A sad looking dwarf in old prospector’s clothes screams GOLD! GOLD! GOOOOOOOOLD! a few times. It’s the ghost of Francisco Vega, and we kill it. Betty continues pulling up the rocks until she reaches a patch of hard solid earth. Tuco’s men have shovels (we didn’t think to bring any, derp) and dig about six feet down. They hit something solid, a plain wooden casket. They carefully open it. Seven burlap sacks each contain a raw gold nugget about the size of a man’s fist. The nuggets weigh about 100 pounds. Wrapped in red velvet is a gold cup that flashes and gleams in the sun. It’s two feet tall and made of solid gold. The cup radiates a holy aura that puts Nabila off. There it is at last, the Cup of Santiago that will lead us to Tar-Baphon’s Gallowspire and to Adivion Adrissant.

We give Tuco and his men four of the nuggets, and then they ride off, happy with their loot. We then return to Puerto Mia where Sindra somehow successfully recruits Armando to become a meat shield since we’re running low on meat shields. He immediately wants to know what the sleeping arrangements are, not wasting any time for a booty call or nothing. We ask about Anamaria, and he says there are rumors that she has fled the country. So it all worked out, then.

Nabila uses the Amulet of Sending to contact Oleander so we can take a portal to Schwarzwald. The amulet burns her again. We find some water in a secluded location and an image appears. Oleander tells us that a portal is ready and it appears for us. We go through. Oleander and Professor Scarman wait for us in Schwarzwald, but the portal closes and we are not there.

Loot: (I don’t know why OP is taking my plus signs out to underline everything. Retarded.)

two throwing knives 1
Staff of Withering +1 (six charges, 1d4
1 DMG) (Vincente)
1,000gp
2,000gp worth of jewelry
a magic potion (needs to be ID’d)
travelling spellbook (Sindra)
dagger 1 Manbane (2 vs. humans)
black robe of the archmagi
dust of sneezing and choking
bombardier beetle chemicals for explody stuff
6,428gp for three gold nuggets
THE CUP OF SANTIAGO! (worth at least 5,000gp)

Crimes:

date rape
identity theft
B&E
3x recreational drug use

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Session 32: The Jailbreak
Nothing ever goes as planned.

We find our adventurers on the edge of a jailbreak. Sindra and Nabila go in to find a Mister Rodrigo y Portillo. He knows where the map piece is and we need it to find Salamanca’s cache. And the Cup of Santiago. After getting themselves all stealthed up, Sindra casts dimension door, and she and Nabila teleport into the administration building just inside the prison. The admin office is full of office furniture, documents, shackles, and branding irons. It’s sweltering inside. A human guard and a dwarf with a knotted beard are sitting around talking. The dwarf is talking, about the old days, about how long it’s been since they’ve had new prisoners to use the branding irons on. The young guard looks nervous.

We go in for the charm, Sindra using the Switch of the Unseelie on the dwarf, who is called Antonio. Nabila casts hold person on the guard so he can’t run away and sound an alarm. We ask Antonio about Rodrigo, but he’s been dead for three years. That complicates things a little. Rodrigo’s cell is haunted by a keening spirit. We send Antonio off to find us some guard uniforms, and when the guard Hector is unheld and charmed, we ask him to find us some of Rodrigo’s belongings. Hector returns with a dossier saying Rodrigo was sentenced to life for robbery and murder. He attempted to escape and was hung. Antonio returns with guard uniforms, and we get changed. Antonio and Hector accompany us to Rodrigo’s cell block, we charm another guard who was on patrol, and find Rodrigo’s cell.

Nabila casts detect spirit and says there’s something hanging around. Sindra steps in and tries to check the cell for cubby holes or loose bricks. The moment she steps in, the spirit manifests itself and attacks. The spirit of Rodrigo y Portillo kills Antonio and Hector and makes enough noise that other people are becoming aware that something is amiss in the cellblock. Sindra pulls Nabila out through a D-door just as a crossbow bolt hits her in the shoulder. The prison is now on alert.

Unsure what to do next other than a full-on invasion of the prison remniscent of the long ass bandit battle, we go back to Tonada to prepare. On our way we stop in Valencia and the town is empty. Vultures and other carrion birds gorge on dead bandit flesh. Jeb notices tracks headed towards Tonada but then double backed to go to Puerto Mia…because there’s a giant jail cell in the way. In Tonada, we make poisons and barrels of explody powder and take the rest of the crew of the Lady Lynn Rob with us. Also Nabila walks in on Androgynous Andy and Vincente…doing measurements for Vincente’s inside leg because obviously the priest needs some decent fitting clothes. Sindra and Jeb shag, though he says he is not a piece of meat. Big Betty wants Granick to grow a barbarian beard so she can braid it for him. Granick also tattoos nearly all of Nabila’s body, drunk from cheap ale, and then has to go back over it with even more tattoos to clean up the squiggly lines and dots.

We return to the prison and get ready to fight. K and Mad McGrath take lotus powder beforehand. K thinks he’s invisible, and Mad McGrath can permanently breathe underwater, a very useful skill to have in the desert. Unfortunately for Mad McGrath, he gets blown up before he gets to use his new skill. A couple of other schmucks die and are reanimated as skeletons that help us take down the prison guards. In the end, we are victorious but the Warden’s body disappears. We loot stuff, return to Rodrigo’s cell and pelt the ghost with +1 arrows and bolts until it’s dead.

Loot:

ring of spell storing (two charges of hold person)
ring of the ram (five charges)
44gp

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Session 31: A Familiar Face and Critical Horse Power!
Go for the ass, Oleander! You can be happy with a plaguelich!

We find our adventurers exhausted after an epic battle. Our friends are dead. We’ve just seen hordes of spiders rip apart a would-be ally. Nabila possesses a new body of a bandit. She pulls out her wand of reincarnation and fires it at Kelvin, Orlando, and Logan.

Kelvin forms first, into a human, though shorter, leaner, with long dark hair and a goatee. He’s a druid, his hide armor hanging off his body. He sits indian style, acting all Zen, while Nabila brews him some (magic mushroom) tea. He says for us to call him K from now on.

Logan is the next to change. His body is shorter and thicker. He’s a mountain dwarf with serious bloodlust. He’s middle aged looking with a dark beard and dark hair. He’s also naked. And flaccid.

Orlando’s body glows and shrinks. HIs skin turns pale. His hair is silvery, and a beard and mustache form on his face. He has a strange purple tattoo on the side of his face. He comes to and is chatty. Very chatty. He’s talking 90 to nothing and then realizes what happened to himself and passes out from shock. We have to get him inside before his skin roasts in the sun. We all adjourn to the cantina.

Once inside, Vincente approaches Nabila to talk. She asks where Tuco’s body went since it wasn’t among the banditos. Vincente says that Tuco had a ring of regeneration and must have crawled away. He tells us we should go to the bandit camp because there’s stuff there, like a spellbook that belonged to Tonja the mage (whose head now rests in Nabila’s big bag). Vincente offers to heal us, although sometimes the gods don’t hear his prayers. He was excommunicated from his church over discrepancies in the accounts (“The money was just resting there.”) and rumors of inappropriate behavior with an altar boy, though Vincente maintains his innocence. Vincente tells us more about the treasure of Salamanca. A former parishioner of the Padre’s discovered a torn treasure map from a grave he was robbing and confessed it to the Padre. The man was arrested five years ago and sentenced to life at the Guadalante Territorial Prison. It’s about three days worth of riding to the east to get to the prison.

Jeb mentions he doesn’t like the new Kelvin. K. Something about him rubs Jeb the wrong way. Kelvin used to be a harmless idiot before, and now he’s not.

Sindra senses a magical tingling in the air. Suddenly a portal of shimmering blue energy opens up. Multiple boots hit the floor. Orlando the deep gnome wrestles with a masked rogue carrying blades. Half a dozen other guys are with the rogue, all dressed similarly. A woman signals to them and they carry off Orlando towards the portal. Sindra shoots magic missles at the rogue and kills it, but the female scoops Orlando up. They disappear while Orlando shouts, “Page 59! Page 59!”. Orlando’s stuff is still on top of the bar where Jeb deposited him. Nabila goes for Orlando’s locket and it burns her hand. Sindra identifies it as an Amulet of Sending. A bug.

Nabila takes Orlando’s copy of “The King in Yellow” and flips to page 59. A folded piece of paper falls out. It’s a letter to Nabila where Orlando confesses that he’s been working for a mysterious employer, reporting our every move back to them — with the amulet — but that he refuses to say who it is. If he should die, we will hear from said employer. Also he asks Nabila not to resurrect him, not to chop his head off for her collection, and not to let Granick anywhere near his corpse.

Nabila sends a message back to the employers — if they have questions about her group, then they should contact her directly. Asshat. K in his spaced out way says that Orlando was very arrogant, and his arrogance was his undoing. This sends Nabila into a fury and she threatens K. She decides to do some prophesying. Shelly’s voice tells her to find a scrying pool and wait. Valencia has a well, and that’s as good as she’s going to get, so she goes over to it and waits. And waits.

A bright flash of light flares and then a shimmering image appears. It’s Oleander! Sindra walks out to see what’s happening. The image speaks. The first thing Oleander remarks on is Nabila’s new face. He says he doesn’t like it. He arranged for Orlando to be extracted. The situation is complicated. Adrissant has made his next move as Tar-Baphon. He’s spent the last seven and a half years making an undead army. They are declaring open war on Turin. Amaranth has been attacked since we left. The elven city of Thorn in the Moonwood is under siege. No word from Enkelhofen. And there’s no telling what’s going on in Isembard. Schwarzwald has been the target of a few attacks. Adrissant sent troops to Baraz-Gathul, but no one has heard from the dwarves.

Nabila wants to know why he took Orlando. Oleander explained that Orlando needs to be debriefed and placed on suicide watch since Nabila reincarnated him. He says that he is Orlando’s paymaster. Nabila threatens him for taking away her only family. Oleander quickly puts her in her place and tells her she is no longer the mistress. Orlando was deranged. He traveled around looking for Deja and nearly found her in Vogelbrucke. He found Deja’s body. She’d fought against Adrissant’s sway as the portal to Carcosa opened. Deja found Nabila’s broken body and mourned over it. Member’s of the King’s Players stabbed her in the back and killed her. Orlando went around doing revenge killing but he was no assassin. His kills were messy and he left lots of evidence. Oleander cleaned up the trail in exchange for Orlando’s service. There was one condition — part of Orlando’s memory was erased. Professor Scarman in Schwarzwald performed the magic needed to wipe Orlando’s memories of finding Deja. Now that Orlando’s soul has been changed, he may remember those wiped memories and that’s why Oleander took him away.

Nabila rages that Oleander is a blasphemer and is using Aegecia’s power for his own ends. Oleander counters her anger by saying if he was a blasphemer, then why would he still have his powers? Nabila is now Aegecia’s number one killer, and her job is to kill Valdis, the god of murder, with the Godrot and Oleander at her side. The Company of the Tattered Cloak has to draw Valdis out of hiding. Back in the day a long time ago, Aegecia used to be not evil, and he was kin to Meelkor. The Beast killed Meelkor and Valdis claimed responsibility for it. Aegecia was incensed that his kin had been destroyed and was out for revenge. The Beast fought Aegecia and blinded him, turning him into the plague god Nabila and Oleander worship today. It’s Nabila’s job to end Valdis’ existence so Aegecia can take up that sphere of influence and gain more power. Oleander mentions that Corben Elias helped do research for them. Corben is okay!

Oleander is building up an army of plague-bringing assassins and letting Adrissant destroy the elves because, well, nobody likes the elves. If Adrissant takes care of the them, the shadow army can rise up and blindside Adrissant. They will get directly involved unlike the Esoteric Order of the Palantine Eye.

Oleander turns to Sindra and informs her that her brother Uhlsolg has been in contact with them. An alliance with the drow is crucial to fighting this war. But there is a civil war going on in the Underdark, and House Everhafin is at the forefront. Rualoth, Dirthspar’s high priestess, and their mother are trying to take control of Khazid-Hirn. Uhlsolg represented Rualoth and says that she seeks an audience with Sindra. She needs Sindra to eliminate their mother and make Rualoth the matron of the house. Sindra will be granted amnesty if she cooperates. Again, it’s complicated.

Nabila asks what happened to Oleander’s insanity. He says he was healed by one of the faithful at “the obelisk.” He can’t say much more about it, but he needs Nabila to trust him. He has assured other people that the Company of the Tattered Cloak would be on his side. Oleander then starts awkwardly talking about what might have been between them and even though it didn’t work out, at least Nabila still has Aegecia, right? She asks if his faith comforts him and Oleander says that it does. Nabila angrily tells Oleander that she’s glad it comforts one of them and storms off. Sindra remains to talk to him. She asks whether her sister Mayraena was working with Adrissant to outfit an army with the blight water weapons. He tells her no, that Mayraena was in cahoots with some demon lord to take over the Underdark. Sindra has done Rualoth a great favor by eliminating the competition with their sister. She tells him that next time he should be more forward with Nabila about their relationship because she has regretted not making that plague baby ever since. Oleander says that things have a way of working themselves out. Sindra admonishes Oleander to take care of Orlando, and he promises to do it.

The next day we make our way to the bandit camp. One tent is left standing after all the others have been dismantled or destroyed. Sindra walks right on over to it, gets a huge shock because it was trapped. La la la. But she gets her hands on Tonja’s spellbook and a few alchemical recipes, and it’s all worth it.

On our way to the prison we have a random encounter with three desert trolls. On their loincloths, they have an emblem of a black sun surrounded by an iron circle. Vincente says he’s heard of this group, called the Iron Ring. They’re slavers operating in the Serobi Wastes. The next day we spot riders on the horizon. There are nine riders in light armor with swords and crossbows. Their livery is white on blue, the Guadalante flag colors. They spot us and ride to us.

What are we doing? Treasure hunting? Who are we? We lie. Except for Big Betty who tells the truth. The captain, known as Van Cleef, has a necklace of truth around his neck. The one time we try diplomacy to avoid a fight by lying through our teeth, and the guy has a truth detector! Well, we fight because Nabila wants that magic necklace.

Granick gets critted by horse hooves, K does no damage, Logan is a beast with his new fire giant strength, Nabila flies and chases down a rogue horseman so he can’t squeal about us to his other cop bretheren, and we recruit henchhorse number 2 to our ranks. Granick tries to skullfuck Captain Van Cleef’s head, but Big Betty is not having it, and they have a lover’s tiff. We make our way to the prison and find out we can’t get in.

Lewtz:

Orlando’s stuff + Amulet of Sending
Tonja’s spellbook (Sindra)
1,000sp 300gp
potion of climbing
girdle of fire giant strength (22 STR, +4 ATK, +10 DMG) (Logan)
bracers of defense (AC2) (Sindra)
amulet of truth (lawful alignment only) (Vincente)
Sword of Navarez +4 defender (Granick)
50gp

Crime:

cop killers

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Session 30: Padre in Pieces
Diplomacy fail. And Big Betty gets her tits out.

We find our adventurers leaving Tonada and making their way to Valencia. It takes two days on horseback to arrive. The land grows rugged, and the sun burns in the sky. Nabila asks Orlando if he’s read his copy of “The King in Yellow.” He replies that he had, and he would like for her to scry for Deja again. He says the book gives him interesting dreams of Deja being in a lost city performing for a royal court.

We rest up for the night. At some point Kelvin screams and cries out as a rattlesnake crawls into his bedroll. Jeb walks over to Kelvin, pulls out the snake, and tosses it aside. It’s just a snake. Kelvin defends himself by saying he was dreaming of practicing battle cries. Right.

The road to Valencia turns to foothills. Somewhere along the way we find a corpse on the ground. Nabila dismounts her horse to check it out. His throat was slit. Nabila tries to pull her hand away from the body after rolling it over, but her hand sticks. Suddenly we’re ambushed by banditos led by a female mage. We fight. Sindra has a wild surge. A massive jail cell appears around the party. The banditos that are not caught in the cell run away. We loot the bodies and go on our way.

Valencia is on the edge of an old copper mine. Buildings are made of stone, bleached white from the intense sun. We see a few humans and dwarves. The town is overwhelmed by thirst and weariness. We make our way to the saloon, run by a man called Rio. We pass a church, the Church of Andore, who is an aspect of the God of Justice. It’s a schism of the Church of Haggar and no longer recognized. (Priests of Andore wear shocking pink leopard outfits and hold their arms at awkward angles as they try to grab you by the head and throw you to the asphalt.)

As we drink watered down beer and relax, a priest in a long black habit (the pink leopard spots are Y fronts underneath) walks in. Immediately his eyes go to Nabila. She pulls her cloak up, and they both look alarmed. He clutches his holy symbol and approaches us. He buys us drinks, Nabila refusing to drink hers, and asks us what we’re doing there. Sindra talks to him, tells him that we’re searching for treasure. He correctly guesses we’re looking for Salamanca’s cache. Salamanca died in Valencia from many wounds after his men turned on him. He tells us his name is Padre Juan Silva, and he prayed for someone to help the town. He got us, not what he expected. The village is dying, thirsty, starving. Trade with Tonada is poor. A gang of desperados stop the people from leaving to find better lives elsewhere. They’re led by a half orc named Tuco. Tuco comes and goes when he pleases, taking what he wants. A week ago he took a young girl. If the villagers try to leave, they are killed. If we help the Padre sort out the deperados, he will help us find the treasure. We agree to help him. He could be useful to us.

The thugs are hid out near Vulture Canyon. Instead of raiding the camp, we try to lure them out. We send the townsfolk to the copper mines to hide out. Since there are children running around, Sindra finds a group isolated from their families and smiles at them. They run off screaming that she’s evil. Padre Silva asks what happened. Sindra says she only smiled at them. After setting up an ambush, we wait for the bandits. Around nightfall about a dozen ride into town. We fight.

Later we leave to create a decoy camp just outside of town. Nothing happens. The next day passes, nothing happens. At dusk, two bandits approach holding a white flag. They say Tuco wants to meet with us at high noon the next day. They have retaken the town because apparently half orcs have infravision and little straw men don’t put off heat signatures. Looking through the spyglass, there are at least forty bodies in the town fortifying it against us.

The next day we find Tuco, who is smaller than Granick. Behind him is a scruffy guy, a Divine Healer from Jhannis’ temple but his cloak is all grimy and dirty. Sindra speaks again. Tuco wants to know where the people are. He wants us to kill the Padre. Vincente, the scruffy priest, steps forward and tells us he knows about the treasure of Salamanca and how to find it. He says he wanted to join the clergy but Padre Silva rejected him, he was excommunicated, and now he hangs out with bandits. He will tell us how to find the fragment of the map if we work with Tuco and kill the Padre.

After some deliberation, we decide to fight the 40 or so bandits. It is a very, very long battle. It lasts until sun up. Seriously. Nabila rushes to grab Vincente and tie him up during the battle. Orlando sets the church on fire. Once the fighting is over, Padre Silva approaches, clapping his hands in a sarcastic sort of way. He says we did a good thing by defeating the bandits. Yet there’s a resounding but. He won’t keep up with his end of the agreement because of the abomination known as Nabila Brandt remains in an undead state of alive. Tied up Vincente shouts that the Padre is untrustworthy.

No deal, Padre. No deal.

So we fight, and it’s super bad, as the Padre tries to finish us off. He casts Blade Barrier on Logan, Nabila, Kelvin, Sindra, and Orlando. Everyone dies but Sindra, while Jeb attacks the Padre to fight and Granick rushes back to Vincente to free him. The Padre never expected to end his life being ripped apart by spiders. His last moments were gruesome. The sky darkens and opens up into a portal. There is lightning flashing. Hundreds of phase spiders come to our aid and tear Padre Silva to pieces. It’s brutal, so brutal. Then the spiders disappear. Sindra’s gemstone is spent, now a faded dark blue. It’s over.

Loot:

potion of speed
cutlass +2
potion of flying
wand-bow of paralyzation
112gp
40gp
480gp
300 light crossbow bolts
Bracers of Defense (AC5)
3 vials of holy water
quarterstaff +2

Crime-o-rama:

man rape
cruelty to animals
destruction of property

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Session Twenty-Nine: On the High Seas
Arrrrrrrr!

We find our adventurers in Amaranth considering date night or something to that effect. Granick meets Logan Norman from the city guard at the King of Pelinore tavern. Granick doesn’t like the place because there are too many people, too much light, and too much noise. He suggests they go somewhere quieter. This intrigues Logan, and he suggests going to a tavern called The Dog’s Bollocks because the place quieter and seedier. Granick feels much better there, grabs some watered down ale. Nabila and Orlando follow along just to be safe, while Kelvin is off somewhere brooding, and Sindra and Jeb are enjoying nature in the park and trying to figure out how to hold hands.

Logan wastes no time getting closer to Granick. He says the elves are making things difficult. Some anti-elf fans in Amaranth are trying to organize a resistance group. They want to take back Volkstadt. Logan says they can use someone like Granick in the Resistance because he can fight and he hates elves. Granick successfully lures Logan into becoming a henchperson and leaving the town guard behind. He also teases Logan and says that maybe later Logan can see what he “hides behind his fig leaf.” (Four inches.)

In the tavern, Nabila notices a gray tattered cloak hanging above the bar. A stout familiar looking man runs the bar along with a pretty young thing. It’s Oleg! He doesn’t recognize Nabila, but talking to her about Ravenhill and Schwarzwald makes him think she’s familiar to him somehow. Oleg says he left Schwarzwald because the politics made things too tense. He packed up and came to Amaranth. The old owner of the tavern died and left that tattered cloak behind. He tells stories about the Company of the Tattered Cloak and the Dark Sisterhood and that stupid ninja because his patrons are the shady sort who love hearing stories about ill deeds. Oleg’s pretty little lady is Natalya, his mistress who is nothing like what his overbearing shrew of a wife was.

The next day we travel to the docks to find our ship, the Lady Lynn Rob. There are half a dozen men on the ship, looking like the shady sort that our Company would consort with. The captain is named Xavier Malgo, a half orc. He’s got a pot belly, but his fists are as big as babies. Nabila tells him we have mutual friends, and he invites us on his ship. First things first, we discuss payment, and Nabila tries to negotiate a lower price. He consents, only if Granick can beat him at arm wrestling. And Granick does, though just barely. Then we set sail.

The first mate is a rugged looking elf named Mr. Monterray. He’s dour and keeps away from the rest of the crew. We find him at the back of the ship shooting a crossbow at a pod of dolphins. He’s drunk and fortunately he misses and fortunately Jeb doesn’t see him doing it. As we travel along we hear a loud splash on the starboard side. A giant with pale skin and powerful muscles throws a boulder at the ship. It’s a reef giant, and they’re usually peaceful, but this one has a score to settle. So we fight.

During the battle, four pirates are killed. Kelvin kills Nancy the Sea-Rat by shooting her directly in the eye (whoops). Crimson Clara gets blown up by ballista fire. Pete Three-Teeth who tried to provoke and punch the giant is also blown up by ballista fire. And poor Mancomb Seepgood takes a massive poke from the giant’s trident. So that’s four less pirates to pay for. The crew is saddened by their friends’ passing.

Captain Malgo wants to know why a reef giant would attack. Granick notices the first mate acting strangely, trying to slip away from the group. Granick calls him over. Why was he shooting dolphins? This pisses off Malgo, and he lets us rough up the elf for a moment while he walks away. He squeals immediately, telling us that some of the pirates found a cove where the reef giants lived. There was money and treasure. Mrs. Reef Giant came home and they killed her, though they didn’t take anything because they had to run for their lives before Mr. Reef Giant got home. He tells us that the guys will cut us in if we go back to the cove for the treasure. We’re not having it. We’re actually not having stuff!

A little while later the captain returns, and Nabila tells him what Mr. Monterray said. The Captain is furious and he stabs Mr. Monterray in the eye with a dagger and pulls out the elf’s eyeball. Nabila nods approvingly and then heals up Mr. Monterray. The captain sends men to the cove. They return alive and with some loot, though most of it is copper.

We continue sailing for weeks.

One day we see flashes of scarlet on the water. It’s the sails of the Gato Rojo, and it’s under attack. If we lose the Rojo, we lose the map. This would not be a good thing. Jeb asks Sindra for the “doo-dad.” She hands him the spyglass, and he says he sees two flags. One is black with a skull and crossbones and the other he doesn’t recognize, white on blue. In gold calligraphy on the hull of the ship is El Despiadado. Orlando’s heard of it, recognizes the flag. It’s from the province of Guadalante. It’s a privateer ship, a guild contract. And it’s not good. But we have to rescue the Gato, so we join up and have a naval battle.

While Sindra attempts to cast fireball on El D, she wild surges. Her hair turns green. We sink the El D and then try to parley with the Gato. We tell Montova the Red that we want his map piece, and he ain’t about to give it up. So we fight. We lose Dutch-Oven Jones in the battle to Captain Montova. One of Montova’s crew is a huge hulk of a woman named Big Betty. Granick felt slightly sorry for killing all of the Lady Lynn Rob’s crew (except Evil Whore) so he tackles Big Betty to the ground during the fight and then afterwards offers her to the crew as booty. Lots of it.

Captain Montova still doesn’t want to let go of the map piece after his crew has been killed off. Captain Malgo tells us that Montova likes pain, and Nabila is more than happy to bring the pain to him. She grabs his balls and casts withering touch on him. It knocks him unconscious, so she brings him back around. He loves it. She does it again, he’s still not giving up the map. She does it one more time and kills him. So then she casts Speak with Dead on him to get him to divulge the location of the map fragment. Then she lops off his head for her collection. Captain Malgo likes how Nabila deals with the baddies.

We find the map fragment in Captain Montova’s desk, folded up in a snuff box. We also loot some stuff and go on our way. The map fragment tells us we need to go to the Province of Guadalante. It’s mostly desert and very, very hot. Orlando tells us that Guadalante belongs to the Republic of Nevarra, but they didn’t think the land was worth keeping so they mostly left it alone. One family has ruled it for centuries. Orlando has been there, he says, visiting the baron with some friends of his. The baron is Don Castillo. Orlando won’t mention much else about it, which drives Sindra up the wall. He says we shouldn’t go too far north to Navarra. Sindra asks if anyone has a hit out on him. He replies that he may have made some people unhappy. Sindra says that one day he’s going to have to open up. He flashes a smile at her, and Sindra promptly tells him that smiles aren’t going to work on her. Then he retorts that Jeb won’t like Sindra’s green hair. But that’s for Jeb to decide, and he said she looked like a dryad. Jeb likes green things, the nature boy.

The map lists a town called Tonada, so we make port there. It is sweltering. Anyone wearing armor has to deal with their body temperature going up, so we try to make sure no one wears anything heavier than leather armor. (Lightly encumbered, can only move 9 squares, -1 to STR and CON checks.) We have to settle our debt with the crew, and since we had traveled for well over a month, the debt was ridiculous. The captain says he’ll lower the price by half in Nabila the comely elf will sleep with him and if we throw in the Gato Rojo. Fine, man. Anything to keep our gold.

Nabila agrees, and Kelvin is unhappy with the arrangement. She tells Kelvin she has a plan. He’s still upset, but Nabila goes down to meet the captain. She wants to tie him up, but he won’t have it. So she pulls out her Switch of the Unseelie and attempts to cast Charm Person on him. But it all it succeeds in doing is infuriating him, and he attacks her. She screams, and since everyone thinks it’s all part of the dirty deed, no one goes to her aid. But Kelvin is upset that Nabila lied to him! Nabila ends up using her cloak to cast Godrot on Captain Malgo, and he quickly melts into a puddle of black, stinking goo. Using the power ages Nabila 16 years, but since she’s a young elf chick, it doesn’t really matter.

She returns to the deck and tells us she got us a 100% discount. She also tries to calm Kelvin down, makes him call her Mistress from now on in some sort of kinky sex-respect kind of way. Mr. Montarray approaches her and asks if she killed “the bastard.” He takes control of the ship and says we have done him a great favor. He’ll ferry us back and forth, and he’ll wait for us as long as it takes us to find the Cup of Santiago. Free of charge. He admits that he’d be foolish to go against the likes of us. He owes us, and he always pays his debts. Nabila asks him why he hates the captain so much and he tells us a pitiful story of lost love that you can find on Mr. Monterray’s wiki page.

New crimes to add to the list:
torture
extortion
gangbang

Stuff:
ring of chameleon power (Nabila)
2,000gp
1,000cp
potion (needs to be ID’d)
trident of fish command +1
longbow +1
stuffed green dragon head
electrum ravioli crimper
reclining throne for a big person, with yeti fur and gryphon feathers (1,000gp)
leather armor +2
cutlass (needs to be ID’d)

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Session Twenty-Eight: The Crawling Chaos
half orc barbarian magnetism

We find our adventurers setting out for Marrathion to visit the Esoteric Order of the Palantine Eye and get some answers now that we have assembled our adventuring party. Before we get to Strawbourg, we make camp. Jeb takes first watch and then alerts us that someone is headed our way. A person wearing shiny armor and riding a warhorse approaches. He’s bald and stubbled. He dismounts, says something to his horse, which walks away, and he marches towards our camp. He says his name is Ser Bolton of Oxburgh and he’s been looking for us, following rumors which turned out to be true. He found the bodies of the people we set free from the fortress in Hag’s Breath — they had been killed by kobolds (which we set free). Those people who were left alive begged Ser Bolton for death and he mercifully obliged. He found or funeral pyre of elves, burned trees, and a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. He throws down his gauntlet and challenges our strongest warrior to a duel. Kelvin, bless his heart, steps forward, but Ser Bolton merely laughs him off. He wants Granick, so he gets Granick, though with a little help from Nabila and Sindra.

Ser Bolton doesn’t stay around very long, drinking a potion of gaseous form and buggers off after he tells us we’re dishonorable. We’re also EVIL. Hello? Orlando says he might know Ser Bolton. He’s worked for the Temple of Haggar and the Court of Elderon. Kelvin asks who we’ve pissed off that they send an inquisitor after us. Who haven’t we pissed off?

Finally we make it to Strawbourg. Kelvin hangs out at the tavern buying drinks, but his friends give him a wide berth. All of us tell him he should visit his father while he’s here because he may not get another chance. All of us, save Nabila, are drinking heavily. Kelvin leaves us but a little while later he returns, having chickened out and left his father some gold on the doorstep. We push him even more, and he goes back to his father’s farm.

Meanwhile a half orc female propositions Granick, and Sindra gets up on a table and does sexy drow dances with the Staff of Striking as her pole. Jeb drinks moonshine and tries to drown out Orlando lamenting about his wife Deja and why she left him.

We stay at the inn overnight, and Kelvin has not returned to us. We fetch him back at the farmhouse. The door is hanging open, but we knock anyway. We find Kelvin sitting at the kitchen table with puffy red eyes, looking like he hasn’t slept. He nods over to the decapitated corpse of his father and says his father didn’t understand. So, after Jeb frees all the farm animals, we burn the house down and get the hell outta Strawbourg.

We travel to Marrathion with no trouble and come to the ruined tower. Everyone sees a ruined tower but Sindra who sees a beautiful gold tower. It’s powerful illusion magic. She leaves the party looking at ruins and goes up to some guards who are wearing scarab necklaces. They cross their spears to inform Sindra that the way is blocked. Like any great celebrity, she asks them if they know who she is. Nope. She demands to see Philippe Tancreedi. That works, though we have to wait a while before Philippe emerges with even more guards who take positions around Nabila with those crazy flaming black eyes. He greets us and remarks that we’ve found Jeb and Orlando and have new friends travelling with us. But where is Nabila? She tells him what happened in so many words, and he shrugs like it doesn’t matter. He is a clone of his former self after all.

We ask Philippe if we can speak to the Almighty Palantine. Philippe escorts us to the top of the tower into a lavish bachelor pad. A gigantic Eye of Horus is painted on the ceiling. In the middle of the room is a lothario in a silky bathrobe, receding hairline, exposed chest hair. Nabila gives Philippe a look that says, “Seriously?” and Philippe tells her he’s more than he seems and not to judge him on appearances alone. Palantine gives Sindra a wink and says “Well, hello, sugartits.” She’s a little smitten and giggles a lot as he’s talking. He offers us drinks and sends Philippe off to get them. We ask questions. He tells us he can’t get directly involved in the badness that Adivion Adrissant is up to. He’s the Trickster. He’s Loki. But he’s not Beelzebub — that guy cheats at chess! They also call him the Crawling Chaos, which is a name he likes the best. He is Nyarlathotep, an Ancient One. But the chuckleheads around here call him Palantine. He can’t show us his true self but he assures us he’s one sexy motherfucker. (Sindra giggles at this.) He feeds off chaos, gets off on it, and we amuse him to no end because of all the ridiculous things we’ve done in the past. He mentions some nun in Las Vegas, says they’re not supposed to be here. Then he says he wants us to take care of Adrissant because the idiot wants to wake up his brothers at the same time and destroy the world, which is a really, really bad idea. He offers us incentives to take care of Adrissant. He snaps his fingers.

For Granick, serving girls take a huge tray over to him, but he doesn’t look at what’s on the platter.

For Sindra and Nabila he offers a joint gift. Armed guards drag a pathetic, straggly looking man out, his hands bound in cold iron. He’s been abused and tortured. They even spread knives and torture equipment out before us so we can take a few slashes at his flesh. He is Master Eibon, the man who killed Professor Elias and let Adrissant go free. Sindra walks up to him and kicks him in the face. Nabila goes for his sagging nuts. Eibon cries and says he resurrected us, he just wants to go home. Not bloody likely.

For the spy, meaning Orlando, Palantine gives him a thick leather book. The spine says The King in Yellow. Orlando raises an eyebrow, and Palantine says Orlando can read it and nothing bad will happen but it will also answer all his questions about what happened to Deja.

For Kelvin. Poor, stupid Kelvin. Palantine looks like a wizard casting a spell. Nabila’s perky elf tits grow larger. Nabila shoots him a terrible look — is the hot elf body she picked out just for him not enough? — and Kelvin stammers that he thought Nabila would like to have larger boobs than Sindra’s.

Palantine and Jeb have a long silence. Palantine says Jeb has “no soul” because Jeb wants nothing material. Palantine says he can give “it” “a little push.” Jeb is fine with that.

And back to Granick, whose curiosity overtakes him. He lifts the lid of the platter and finds bags full of purple lotus powder. Granick shudders.

Sindra, however, is unsure about her gift. It means revenge. Nothing will bring her beloved Professor back. She sits down in front of Eibon and stares at him for a long time. Nabila chokes him, really digging the torturing thing.

We ask what Palantine wants for all this. He wants us to accept the mission and track down Adrissant and gut him. The mission is to recover an artifact that will trace a path to Tar-Baphon’s hideout the Gallowspire. If we find it, we will find Adrissant. The artifact is hidden so well that even Palantine can’t find it. He tells us the artifact has divine powers and probably not from a god that Nabila is friendly with.

We’re looking for the Cup of Santiago. Orlando tells us a story about the cup. Santiago was a justicar from Navarra who helped purge Tar-Baphon’s undead army. Tar-Baphon had a limitless supply of undead, so they required divine intervention to stop him. The cup was left inside the Gallowspire along with other holy relics to keep Tar-Baphon asleep. A master thief by the name of Francisco Vega stole the cup and went back to Navarra with it. Vega was careless and a man called Salamanca took the cup from him, which cursed him and his men. They had treasure, buried it in the desert, and created a map. Our first step is to find all the pieces of the map so we can locate the buried treasure. A pirate named Montova the Red may have a piece of the map. He lives on a ship, so we must track down his ship. Palantine has arranged for us to take a ship out of Amaranth in order to find Montova the Red.

map —> treasure —> cup —> Gallowspire —> Adivion Adrissant

So we leave the comfort of Marrathion and make our way to Amaranth. We enter near the wealthy district. For some reason we let the half orc be our spokesperson because Sindra is disguised and Nabila…is a lich. The city guard take a shine to Granick, especially a young man named Logan the Swine (Logan Norman). Logan propositions Granick to meet him at a bar later on, and Granick accepts because Nabila bullied him into it.

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